I was reading. And in the midst of my reading, you spoke directly to me, Lord. Now, I expected my heartstrings to be pulled- tugged hard, really-after all, the book was about helping the helpless...meeting the needs of the fatherless. I never expected, though, to find encouragement.
I read: "God told her not to mention it (her love for mission work), but that it would be 'all right'; she needed to trust him to speak to me." Ah- trusting you to speak. Now, that is a challenging concept- especially since you have blessed me with so many words, and I have a strong desire to articulate myself until heard.
Do I trust you to speak? Do I trust you to do the heart changing? I don't know that I do. In all honesty, my impatience for my plan to be applied has lead me more to despair and disappointment than trust. I am more quick to assume you are not going to fulfill the dreams you planted in me, than I am to trust you will indeed speak and move mountains.
It occurs to me, though, that a person can only hear so much at once. If I don't stop talking, how will you be heard? And if I am so reliant on my own persuasive skills, how will I ever know the details of your plan and what you would have us do.
I know the book I read is about so much more. It is about the lost and lonely, the needs of the abandoned and abused, the love wanted by the neglected, the orphan. So much more than simply letting you speak. But, I needed to hear that in the midst of my longing to love orphans as my own, I must trust you to speak.
Enable me daily to close my own mouth and wait on your words, and remind me often that this too will be 'all right.'
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
trust & obey
I trust you, Lord. I do. And with all my heart I try to be obedient to the things you have called me to in my life. It is an every day commitment, though, Lord-every day.
I don't always automatically trust you...or your plan...or your timing. On the surface, I'm pretty sure my plan and my way will do just fine. It is only when I stop and breathe in the peace I only get from you, that I am reminded to trust. You have the bigger picture. You are the one who designed me- who planted these desires within me- and you have a particular way you plan to flesh it all out in my life. To think I could have a handle on this life without you is absurd. To think I truly understand what it is you have called me to do- so much so that I can march on up ahead of you- is ridiculous. I must trust. And since these passions that are so restless within me keep churning- trusting you is the only way I can keep insanity at bay. I choose you- and trusting you over me. For you are enough. I don't need to know the details (as much as I long for them). I only need to know that you are in control- so it will all be as it should be. May my life always be that much out of my reach...that much smothered in my inadequacies that I am caused to always trust in you. And trust you deeply. For you are bigger than I truly could ever understand- and my life is about so much more than me or my passions. It is all about you and giving you glory.
I obey. I try to. But, it too is a conscious choice I must make regularly. The things I long to do are not always what you have served up on my plate. While at the same time, if I am observant in my obedience I will not fail to see the tailored made opportunities only you could orchestrate. You masterfully weave lives, circumstances, resources and passions together to create such a fulfilling existence. You use the skills you've developed in me which gives great joy. You direct me, if I listen, to where I can be used and how I can glorify you in the works of my hands. I never knew such joy could emerge from obedience. Such satisfaction. It is a contagious sensation- this feeling of purpose...of being exactly where I am called to be, expected to be, needed to be at this very moment (regardless if it is so far from what I had planned for me). Afterall, your logic is more intricate and what seems distant may actually be only steps away (and you know that is a prayer of my heart...mere steps away).
So, with my commitment to trust you- I trust that the blankets intended for Niger will reach the children YOU planned them for all along. I have no worries or regret. I am in awe that you woudl use the catalyst to this blanket ministry as a reminder that this is all in your control. If it weren't for the Niger trip, I don't know that I would have started to sew...and then to have the Niger trip not even follow through with their mission reminds me it is all about you.
And with my commitment to obey- I will continue to sew...to serve...to live in the moment (and not 3 hopeful moments ahead of myself). I will seek out your direction for who receives the works of my hands...and I will find joy in the sheer discipline of obedience.
Continue to strengthen me, Lord. Each day brings its own challenges and distractions. It is too easy to fall from trusting you and too tempting to turn from obeying the callings you have placed on my life. Protect me. Whisper words of encouragement. Make it obvious when I need to refresh and restart my steps. And remind me daily that it is you whom I serve and for you that I do everything. May all the glory be yours.
I don't always automatically trust you...or your plan...or your timing. On the surface, I'm pretty sure my plan and my way will do just fine. It is only when I stop and breathe in the peace I only get from you, that I am reminded to trust. You have the bigger picture. You are the one who designed me- who planted these desires within me- and you have a particular way you plan to flesh it all out in my life. To think I could have a handle on this life without you is absurd. To think I truly understand what it is you have called me to do- so much so that I can march on up ahead of you- is ridiculous. I must trust. And since these passions that are so restless within me keep churning- trusting you is the only way I can keep insanity at bay. I choose you- and trusting you over me. For you are enough. I don't need to know the details (as much as I long for them). I only need to know that you are in control- so it will all be as it should be. May my life always be that much out of my reach...that much smothered in my inadequacies that I am caused to always trust in you. And trust you deeply. For you are bigger than I truly could ever understand- and my life is about so much more than me or my passions. It is all about you and giving you glory.
I obey. I try to. But, it too is a conscious choice I must make regularly. The things I long to do are not always what you have served up on my plate. While at the same time, if I am observant in my obedience I will not fail to see the tailored made opportunities only you could orchestrate. You masterfully weave lives, circumstances, resources and passions together to create such a fulfilling existence. You use the skills you've developed in me which gives great joy. You direct me, if I listen, to where I can be used and how I can glorify you in the works of my hands. I never knew such joy could emerge from obedience. Such satisfaction. It is a contagious sensation- this feeling of purpose...of being exactly where I am called to be, expected to be, needed to be at this very moment (regardless if it is so far from what I had planned for me). Afterall, your logic is more intricate and what seems distant may actually be only steps away (and you know that is a prayer of my heart...mere steps away).
So, with my commitment to trust you- I trust that the blankets intended for Niger will reach the children YOU planned them for all along. I have no worries or regret. I am in awe that you woudl use the catalyst to this blanket ministry as a reminder that this is all in your control. If it weren't for the Niger trip, I don't know that I would have started to sew...and then to have the Niger trip not even follow through with their mission reminds me it is all about you.
And with my commitment to obey- I will continue to sew...to serve...to live in the moment (and not 3 hopeful moments ahead of myself). I will seek out your direction for who receives the works of my hands...and I will find joy in the sheer discipline of obedience.
Continue to strengthen me, Lord. Each day brings its own challenges and distractions. It is too easy to fall from trusting you and too tempting to turn from obeying the callings you have placed on my life. Protect me. Whisper words of encouragement. Make it obvious when I need to refresh and restart my steps. And remind me daily that it is you whom I serve and for you that I do everything. May all the glory be yours.
Monday, August 1, 2011
others wait...and continue to wait
There are so many adoption stories at my fingertips. So many blogs in various stages of the process. And today, I read one that is in the midst of waiting...like so many...waiting for paper work or some government official in some other country to give the thumbs up. I read the words they wrote and I feel the weight of their...wait. I know that frustration (in a different way, but I know it still the same). They are truly waiting on you...for your timing is perfect. Knowing you can move things as quickly or as slowly as you need things to go...knowing that it is all in your control, so it is on you that they wait. (Just like I find myself waiting on you.)
That can be maddening. To know there is power to bring an adoption to a conclusion, yet see little progress. To know your timing, Lord, is perfect while still struggling with the patience it requires to trust that timing. Struggling with the faith that is needed to want to trust a longer wait is actually better.
And as much as I'd rather be waiting for a child (or children) I've seen in a picture- the current situation in many countries is causing so many families to come face to face with a much longer road than they originally expected.
In parts of Africa, there are policies being challenged. Countries are changing their acceptance of international adoption. It feels like Satan is having free reign to delay, discourage and demoralize these poor families. They are now confronted with a longer wait...an unexpected delay...all with a name written on their heart- a face they have seen and prayed over...a child they are anxious to hold.
Their wait needs your blessing. The frustration I have with my wait is nothing in comparison. They have a name. A picture. An expectation to bring a child home- yet they wait- with no promise of when it will end. I pray you strengthen them...each of them. May they swell with a sense of peace tonight knowing you hold them (and their children) in the palm of your hand. And if need be, you could bring their wait to an end at this very moment- so they best trust that if their wait continues, it is because it is part of your bigger plan.
Strengthen me as well, Lord. For I hope to one day be in that kind of wait. And if I am, may my eyes see nothing but you.
That can be maddening. To know there is power to bring an adoption to a conclusion, yet see little progress. To know your timing, Lord, is perfect while still struggling with the patience it requires to trust that timing. Struggling with the faith that is needed to want to trust a longer wait is actually better.
And as much as I'd rather be waiting for a child (or children) I've seen in a picture- the current situation in many countries is causing so many families to come face to face with a much longer road than they originally expected.
In parts of Africa, there are policies being challenged. Countries are changing their acceptance of international adoption. It feels like Satan is having free reign to delay, discourage and demoralize these poor families. They are now confronted with a longer wait...an unexpected delay...all with a name written on their heart- a face they have seen and prayed over...a child they are anxious to hold.
Their wait needs your blessing. The frustration I have with my wait is nothing in comparison. They have a name. A picture. An expectation to bring a child home- yet they wait- with no promise of when it will end. I pray you strengthen them...each of them. May they swell with a sense of peace tonight knowing you hold them (and their children) in the palm of your hand. And if need be, you could bring their wait to an end at this very moment- so they best trust that if their wait continues, it is because it is part of your bigger plan.
Strengthen me as well, Lord. For I hope to one day be in that kind of wait. And if I am, may my eyes see nothing but you.
Friday, June 24, 2011
today
Today, a slum in Kambi Teso received 125 blankets. I am so anxious to see pictures- to have a visual on the calling you placed on my heart...it will be such a reward to see even just one blanket in the hand of one child. I am certain I will fall to my knees and weep- wanting so desperately to scoop that child up into my arms and whisper words of love, encouragement and hope.
Thank you for the people who carried the blankets- who lovingly gave of their time and of their heart to the people in Kenya. Multiply the return of their labor- lengthen the impact of their presence and bless them greatly for their obedience to you and the calling you placed before them. You said, "go" and they went.
Thank you, Lord, for loving us so much that you use us to do your work. You grant us a sense of satisfaction- bless us with great joy- all while we think we are sacrificing for others. Your ways are truly best.
You, Lord, are truly best. You are worthy of all my praise, all my focus, all my energy, all my love, all my devotion and all of me. You are Lord of all- of everything. May I always seek you and you alone to the very end of my days.
Thank you for the people who carried the blankets- who lovingly gave of their time and of their heart to the people in Kenya. Multiply the return of their labor- lengthen the impact of their presence and bless them greatly for their obedience to you and the calling you placed before them. You said, "go" and they went.
Thank you, Lord, for loving us so much that you use us to do your work. You grant us a sense of satisfaction- bless us with great joy- all while we think we are sacrificing for others. Your ways are truly best.
You, Lord, are truly best. You are worthy of all my praise, all my focus, all my energy, all my love, all my devotion and all of me. You are Lord of all- of everything. May I always seek you and you alone to the very end of my days.
tempting, but...
When I spoke to Delena about the trip to Zimbabwe, Lord, I never thought I would hear the words, "we can completely, financially support your ministry." It was a bit exhilarating at first. Almost like a burden was being lifted from me...a money burden. (and you know how much I dislike money).
But, this help would come with a different focus. A focus not just on orphans, but mostly on children who come from supportive families. Children who need surgery and parents who have been known to travel more than 900 miles to get help. A focus not just on Africa, but on all sorts of needing countries- India, Haiti, Belize, and the Dominican Republic. And although I do believe these blankets would be well received in these countries under this expanded focus, I do not think it is what you called me to do.
After an immediate conversation with Dad, (thank you so much, Lord, for his listening ear) and a later discussion with my 'sounding board,' it is very clear to me that you did not call me to just make blankets. You planted in me a passion for orphans and a desire to reach them- to impact them in some way for your kingdom. You gave me a love for Africa, and a hope to step foot there someday and bring its beauty into my home. It is not just for Africa's orphans that I sew, it is also for me. My restless, adoption heart, needs to be at work for the very cause from which this all started- the blankets help me focus on today (not on what I don't know about tomorrow).
And if I were to expand my focus to such an extent, I am certain the peace within this passion- something I so desperately fought to find- would be lost. For it is the orphans in Africa I long to love- the loveless, the fatherless, the lonely. Those are the children for which I sew...theirs is the fight I am committed to impact...today with blankets. Hopefully some day in my home.
So it is with great peace, I will turn down the offer to sew for these trips all around the world (funded or not), and I will continue with my current plan, which is to sew for orphans in Africa as long as you provide a way.
But, this help would come with a different focus. A focus not just on orphans, but mostly on children who come from supportive families. Children who need surgery and parents who have been known to travel more than 900 miles to get help. A focus not just on Africa, but on all sorts of needing countries- India, Haiti, Belize, and the Dominican Republic. And although I do believe these blankets would be well received in these countries under this expanded focus, I do not think it is what you called me to do.
After an immediate conversation with Dad, (thank you so much, Lord, for his listening ear) and a later discussion with my 'sounding board,' it is very clear to me that you did not call me to just make blankets. You planted in me a passion for orphans and a desire to reach them- to impact them in some way for your kingdom. You gave me a love for Africa, and a hope to step foot there someday and bring its beauty into my home. It is not just for Africa's orphans that I sew, it is also for me. My restless, adoption heart, needs to be at work for the very cause from which this all started- the blankets help me focus on today (not on what I don't know about tomorrow).
And if I were to expand my focus to such an extent, I am certain the peace within this passion- something I so desperately fought to find- would be lost. For it is the orphans in Africa I long to love- the loveless, the fatherless, the lonely. Those are the children for which I sew...theirs is the fight I am committed to impact...today with blankets. Hopefully some day in my home.
So it is with great peace, I will turn down the offer to sew for these trips all around the world (funded or not), and I will continue with my current plan, which is to sew for orphans in Africa as long as you provide a way.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
125
One hundred and twenty-five blankets are headed to Kenya in just a couple of weeks and my heart could not be more filled with joy.
Bless those delivering, serving and loving on those children. Hold them in the palm of your hand providing protection and wisdom. Be with them at every turn as they seek to do all that you hold out for them.
Bless the children receiving the blankets. May the blankets never be lost, just like Your love can never truly be lost to us. And may the blankets never be taken, just like Your presence in our lives is a constant. May those blankets represent Your love and may they provide a comfort, strength and peace to each and every child.
I am honored to be a part of this effort and humbled that you would use me. Thank you for the direction and action you granted at a time I needed so desperately to 'do.'
Thank you for the people who have stepped up to financially make this happen. Thank you for the children who have such faith and obedience that they gave of their own resources. I especially thank you for "O." -an 8 year old girl who wrote a simple, but powerful note: "Thank you for making blankets for the orphans." I wept when I read it, Lord...and my heart was filled when I saw $75 of her own money she gladly gave to children she most likely will never meet. Bless her for her generosity and giving heart. Bless the days ahead of her that you clearly are going to use to mold and build a true servant for your kingdom.
I ask that you would guide me as the thoughts of what to do with Cocoon grow. Are we to offer an opportunity for people to purchase the satin/flannel blankets and in doing so also pay for an orphan to receive that very blanket? Having such a physical reminder with my own children has made a powerful impact. They each cuddle up with their 'duplicates' and pray for the child who will receive its match. Our middle child has constantly prayed that the "African children can sleep well on their mats loving on their blankets...may they be safe...and full...may they be loved and protected...and may they be given parents to hold them." I echo those prayers as I wonder what you have planned for this effort...this ministry...this outreach.
I would not be honest if I did not remind you, Lord, that I'd rather be doing the loving and protecting...the holding and the feeding. But, you know that. And I am grateful I can also say that I am filled with great joy in this wait as I seek to be obedient to your calling on my life.
A friend just yesterday said, "you seem so joyful." I am. I absolutely am filled to the brim with joy...and not because my circumstances of wait and wonder have changed, but because my perspective on the wait has been adjusted. I no longer see me waiting- I see you working. I see you asking me to 'do' and I gladly say "absolutely, Lord. Whatever it is you call me to- I will obey you gladly." And that makes all the difference in the world.
I am all about you, Lord, and doing what needs to be done. Please continue to use me where I am and take me where I can only go with you. For that is true joy!
Bless those delivering, serving and loving on those children. Hold them in the palm of your hand providing protection and wisdom. Be with them at every turn as they seek to do all that you hold out for them.
Bless the children receiving the blankets. May the blankets never be lost, just like Your love can never truly be lost to us. And may the blankets never be taken, just like Your presence in our lives is a constant. May those blankets represent Your love and may they provide a comfort, strength and peace to each and every child.
I am honored to be a part of this effort and humbled that you would use me. Thank you for the direction and action you granted at a time I needed so desperately to 'do.'
Thank you for the people who have stepped up to financially make this happen. Thank you for the children who have such faith and obedience that they gave of their own resources. I especially thank you for "O." -an 8 year old girl who wrote a simple, but powerful note: "Thank you for making blankets for the orphans." I wept when I read it, Lord...and my heart was filled when I saw $75 of her own money she gladly gave to children she most likely will never meet. Bless her for her generosity and giving heart. Bless the days ahead of her that you clearly are going to use to mold and build a true servant for your kingdom.
I ask that you would guide me as the thoughts of what to do with Cocoon grow. Are we to offer an opportunity for people to purchase the satin/flannel blankets and in doing so also pay for an orphan to receive that very blanket? Having such a physical reminder with my own children has made a powerful impact. They each cuddle up with their 'duplicates' and pray for the child who will receive its match. Our middle child has constantly prayed that the "African children can sleep well on their mats loving on their blankets...may they be safe...and full...may they be loved and protected...and may they be given parents to hold them." I echo those prayers as I wonder what you have planned for this effort...this ministry...this outreach.
I would not be honest if I did not remind you, Lord, that I'd rather be doing the loving and protecting...the holding and the feeding. But, you know that. And I am grateful I can also say that I am filled with great joy in this wait as I seek to be obedient to your calling on my life.
A friend just yesterday said, "you seem so joyful." I am. I absolutely am filled to the brim with joy...and not because my circumstances of wait and wonder have changed, but because my perspective on the wait has been adjusted. I no longer see me waiting- I see you working. I see you asking me to 'do' and I gladly say "absolutely, Lord. Whatever it is you call me to- I will obey you gladly." And that makes all the difference in the world.
I am all about you, Lord, and doing what needs to be done. Please continue to use me where I am and take me where I can only go with you. For that is true joy!
Monday, May 23, 2011
a calling
"You are called to be something that is not in your realm to be on your own. If he has called you to it, he is getting ready to equip you for it. He wants you to be what you can only be in him." ~Priscilla Shirer
you met me where I was
Lord, I thought it was foolish to attend the conference at church. The last thing I needed was to be challenged to change the world. I already long to do that through adoption, and sitting for 3 days listening to people tell me to put feet to my faith was not going to settle my restless heart.
But, I went. I went to hide (as you and I both know), and I was honest about my expectations...to have the raw 'wound' of lost dreams be doused with lemon juice. But, I went anyway. And you met me right where I was.
The very first speaker floored me. She did not tell me to get up and fly- to grab the world by its tail and change it forever- to swoop in and adopt a sibling group from Africa. She told me that we often get obsessed with "go" and forget that spiritually, Lord, you have an "on your marks" and a "get set" before we are allowed to soar. "There is a preparation that will sustain us through the 'go', otherwise we will grow weary and fail." A preparation that makes the 'go' a success.
Another speaker dove deeper into my heart and explained,"'if we have a dream we can work out in our head, than that's not a dream- it's a plan! And God is bigger than our plans." You and I both know, Lord, that I have been very up front with my plans...I know they are an obstacle to my patience, peace and sometimes hope. I needed to be reminded that your plans are bigger and with greater purpose than anything I could come up with.
I also needed to be told that this life is all about you...not me. It is you that redeems and restores and then you use it for your purposes. My part is to be obedient in the things you have put in front of me- to act on what your spirit has compelled me to do. And for now, that is the blanket ministry.
I was challenged to pay attention to what I already have- to capitalize on what is at my disposal. "So often we are waiting for God, but could it be that it is God who is waiting on us? Invest fully in the things of God and receive supernatural dividends- Be faithful, even when it doesn't make sense." Oh, Lord, so often it doesn't make sense. (You don't often make sense.) But, I do believe I am being faithful in what you have already asked me to do. I would rather be adopting, but you have me sewing...and I will continue to sew for as long as you fund it and call me to it. I will be faithful where I am knowing it can prepare me for what you hold out ahead. There is true joy in obedience and I don't know that I have ever been this full of joy before!
In a 3 day conference, you changed my broken heart to be more about you and what you hold out for me than adoption. I still long to adopt, but I now have a peace within that passion that I have not been able to grasp before. I long to be obedient in the things of today- to be used today however you see fit. I will not white knuckle my adoption plans and pout like a child with the slightest hint of a different route. I long to be used to adopt...to make a difference in the life of children so far away...but my focus is on you - how you long to use me...what you need to do to prepare me...and how your ways are so much grander than mine (today and along the way). I choose the blessed path- one which you lead down- and not the road I carve out for myself.
A speaker during the conference said, "if we don't want to be disappointed, in a hurry or bitter with where life has us, we need to be at God's feet first all the time." I can honestly say, I happily sit at your feet, Lord, acting in obedience with all you place before me, trusting you and your leading.
But, I went. I went to hide (as you and I both know), and I was honest about my expectations...to have the raw 'wound' of lost dreams be doused with lemon juice. But, I went anyway. And you met me right where I was.
The very first speaker floored me. She did not tell me to get up and fly- to grab the world by its tail and change it forever- to swoop in and adopt a sibling group from Africa. She told me that we often get obsessed with "go" and forget that spiritually, Lord, you have an "on your marks" and a "get set" before we are allowed to soar. "There is a preparation that will sustain us through the 'go', otherwise we will grow weary and fail." A preparation that makes the 'go' a success.
Another speaker dove deeper into my heart and explained,"'if we have a dream we can work out in our head, than that's not a dream- it's a plan! And God is bigger than our plans." You and I both know, Lord, that I have been very up front with my plans...I know they are an obstacle to my patience, peace and sometimes hope. I needed to be reminded that your plans are bigger and with greater purpose than anything I could come up with.
I also needed to be told that this life is all about you...not me. It is you that redeems and restores and then you use it for your purposes. My part is to be obedient in the things you have put in front of me- to act on what your spirit has compelled me to do. And for now, that is the blanket ministry.
I was challenged to pay attention to what I already have- to capitalize on what is at my disposal. "So often we are waiting for God, but could it be that it is God who is waiting on us? Invest fully in the things of God and receive supernatural dividends- Be faithful, even when it doesn't make sense." Oh, Lord, so often it doesn't make sense. (You don't often make sense.) But, I do believe I am being faithful in what you have already asked me to do. I would rather be adopting, but you have me sewing...and I will continue to sew for as long as you fund it and call me to it. I will be faithful where I am knowing it can prepare me for what you hold out ahead. There is true joy in obedience and I don't know that I have ever been this full of joy before!
In a 3 day conference, you changed my broken heart to be more about you and what you hold out for me than adoption. I still long to adopt, but I now have a peace within that passion that I have not been able to grasp before. I long to be obedient in the things of today- to be used today however you see fit. I will not white knuckle my adoption plans and pout like a child with the slightest hint of a different route. I long to be used to adopt...to make a difference in the life of children so far away...but my focus is on you - how you long to use me...what you need to do to prepare me...and how your ways are so much grander than mine (today and along the way). I choose the blessed path- one which you lead down- and not the road I carve out for myself.
A speaker during the conference said, "if we don't want to be disappointed, in a hurry or bitter with where life has us, we need to be at God's feet first all the time." I can honestly say, I happily sit at your feet, Lord, acting in obedience with all you place before me, trusting you and your leading.
inconvenient?
You asked me if I would still adopt if it were inconvenient. I felt it deeply...a probing question to my very soul. "You want this so badly, but would you still want it if it were inconvenient?"
"It already is inconvenient," I thought. "I already have 5 children. My house is full and my grocery budget is tight. People all around me think I'm crazy for pursuing adoption. I don't have the funds to even pay for it. It already IS inconvenient and I DO want to pursue adoption."
But I heard you clarify, Lord. "Inconvenient for you, Michelle, is simply not according to plan."
Would I adopt if it weren't according to my plan? If the children weren't the ages or genders I have dreamed about? If I was not the glorious age of 36, but instead...older...inconveniently older?
I did not know on that day, Lord, that you were setting the ground work for truly changing my heart and granting me the peace within a God given passion that has eluded me for oh so long.
You are good, Lord. Oh so very good.
"It already is inconvenient," I thought. "I already have 5 children. My house is full and my grocery budget is tight. People all around me think I'm crazy for pursuing adoption. I don't have the funds to even pay for it. It already IS inconvenient and I DO want to pursue adoption."
But I heard you clarify, Lord. "Inconvenient for you, Michelle, is simply not according to plan."
Would I adopt if it weren't according to my plan? If the children weren't the ages or genders I have dreamed about? If I was not the glorious age of 36, but instead...older...inconveniently older?
I did not know on that day, Lord, that you were setting the ground work for truly changing my heart and granting me the peace within a God given passion that has eluded me for oh so long.
You are good, Lord. Oh so very good.
Monday, April 18, 2011
slipping through my fingers
As exciting as the blanket ministry is, my heart weighs heavy and I feel my hope for adoption dissipating. I sense a time of true decision to be at hand- a fork in the road- and it doesn't look good.
Right now, I am fearful my dreams of the last 2 1/2 years have been a tease, and if they are, how will I recover?
I search for the part of me that wants to simply do what You have for me to do - no matter what...and it is the 'no matter what' that I can't muster. I can't find it anywhere. Instead all I can find is an ache, a longing, a desire to scream out "how can this not be."
Lord, I cannot sit on this fence any longer. I will not chose to sit here, either, only to ignore the inevitable. Hiding from a 'no' doesn't make it any less painful- it just delays it. And I'm tired of pretending my heart to adopt is enough to make it happen. I must be honest and recognize I am incapable of carrying this to completion alone.
I ask for the strength to walk away from my dreams.
Will you comfort me and my broken heart? Can we sit and weep together over this missed road? Will you raise someone up to take on what I am not allowed to claim? Because part of me (the slowly growing bitterness inside) thinks you are just as disappointed as I am. And that is the saddest thought of all.
Right now, I am fearful my dreams of the last 2 1/2 years have been a tease, and if they are, how will I recover?
I search for the part of me that wants to simply do what You have for me to do - no matter what...and it is the 'no matter what' that I can't muster. I can't find it anywhere. Instead all I can find is an ache, a longing, a desire to scream out "how can this not be."
Lord, I cannot sit on this fence any longer. I will not chose to sit here, either, only to ignore the inevitable. Hiding from a 'no' doesn't make it any less painful- it just delays it. And I'm tired of pretending my heart to adopt is enough to make it happen. I must be honest and recognize I am incapable of carrying this to completion alone.
I ask for the strength to walk away from my dreams.
Will you comfort me and my broken heart? Can we sit and weep together over this missed road? Will you raise someone up to take on what I am not allowed to claim? Because part of me (the slowly growing bitterness inside) thinks you are just as disappointed as I am. And that is the saddest thought of all.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
bigger than me
This effort you started, this dream you deposited, this, frankly, crazy idea you gave to make 100 blankets and get them to orphans in Africa has become so much bigger than me that all I can see is You.
Fabric is everywhere in my house. The sewing machine- a constant fixture in my bedroom. The task at hand sits in front of me daily. This is so much bigger than me.
The funds I thought I'd need to make 100 blankets have certainly come in from generous people I both know and don't know. And it keeps coming in. Today, I sit here with three times the amount of money I intended to raise. Three times! And with fabric being cheaper and coupons being plentiful, I sit here with 300 yards of flannel, 60 yards of satin, and less than half of the money spent. Oh, this is so much bigger than me- it is so You!
And I guess that's how you do things. Big. Bigger than we can hope, dream or imagine. Bigger than we plan. Bigger than we expect. Big suits you, and if I step out in faith, I know you'll do so much 'big' in my life that I wouldn't be able to articulate it.
And that is my prayer. Do big, Lord. Do big in my life in such a way that I can't help but share it with people. Do big in my family that we are compelled to give you glory with our very breaths. Do big in my hopes for adoption that we understand you had 'big' planned all along.
Do more than I could plan. Be bigger than I could ask for. Shine brighter than me, so that all who see your work in my life don't see me at all- only you. Because it is all about you, Lord. The big (and the little). My life carries meaning and purpose because it is a life dedicated to you and the things you have for me.
And currently, it appears you have a blanket ministry for me to manage. I pray for the time and energy to complete all that is before me. I pray for wisdom on who to ask to come alongside me and sew. I pray for the children who will receive the blankets we have made- may they comfort, soothe and calm their very souls knowing it is truly your love they are cuddling.
And I pray that some day not too far away I'll be able to share this ministry (or the story of it) with my own African children- may they know how deeply I longed for them- so deeply that I followed God down an unknown path doing what first looked like a mere distraction- but what turned into a genuine outreach to their very homeland.
Fabric is everywhere in my house. The sewing machine- a constant fixture in my bedroom. The task at hand sits in front of me daily. This is so much bigger than me.
The funds I thought I'd need to make 100 blankets have certainly come in from generous people I both know and don't know. And it keeps coming in. Today, I sit here with three times the amount of money I intended to raise. Three times! And with fabric being cheaper and coupons being plentiful, I sit here with 300 yards of flannel, 60 yards of satin, and less than half of the money spent. Oh, this is so much bigger than me- it is so You!
And I guess that's how you do things. Big. Bigger than we can hope, dream or imagine. Bigger than we plan. Bigger than we expect. Big suits you, and if I step out in faith, I know you'll do so much 'big' in my life that I wouldn't be able to articulate it.
And that is my prayer. Do big, Lord. Do big in my life in such a way that I can't help but share it with people. Do big in my family that we are compelled to give you glory with our very breaths. Do big in my hopes for adoption that we understand you had 'big' planned all along.
Do more than I could plan. Be bigger than I could ask for. Shine brighter than me, so that all who see your work in my life don't see me at all- only you. Because it is all about you, Lord. The big (and the little). My life carries meaning and purpose because it is a life dedicated to you and the things you have for me.
And currently, it appears you have a blanket ministry for me to manage. I pray for the time and energy to complete all that is before me. I pray for wisdom on who to ask to come alongside me and sew. I pray for the children who will receive the blankets we have made- may they comfort, soothe and calm their very souls knowing it is truly your love they are cuddling.
And I pray that some day not too far away I'll be able to share this ministry (or the story of it) with my own African children- may they know how deeply I longed for them- so deeply that I followed God down an unknown path doing what first looked like a mere distraction- but what turned into a genuine outreach to their very homeland.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
following your lead
Wow! I am in awe...foolishly in awe, I suppose. For the Bible even declares you can do exceedingly more than we could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3: 20-21)...and that is exactly what you have done...exceedingly more.
You have deeply blessed this effort. And I wouldn't want to be doing anything else, right now.
This blanket ministry to orphans will touch more and go further than I ever thought possible- frankly, greater than ever crossed my mind. I thought we were just making 100 blankets to get my unsettled heart to focus on what could be done- now. But by the looks of it, a ministry has been born.
Cocoon, Cuddling Africa's Orphans. An outreach you planted in my heart to love on the loveless- to reach those who seem unreachable- so far away and in a world so unfamiliar to me. And as much as I long to cradle those children close to my heart, I will trust you to love them. For now, I will settle to pray over this labor of love- this fabric and thread- knowing you will bring these blankets to those in need...that these blankets will be a symbol of love, of faith, of your heart for orphans...and of my desire to be used for the causes of Christ.
It amazes me how many people have eagerly partnered with me in this effort. People who know me and love me- people who only have heard of what I am trying to do. It amazes me that the day after I sent out my email asking friends and family to help, one fabric store decided to cut the cost of flannel by more than half for that week. And as I stepped out with my own money to start purchasing sale fabric, you multiplied my funds over and over again. It amazes me that by week's end I was heading back to the fabric store to buy as much flannel as I could fit in my cart.
I sit here today with 234 yards of fabric in my house and more money in the bank for this ministry than I've already spent. How many blankets are we making, Lord? Oh, how it would blow my mind, I'm sure, if I saw the big picture!
For now, I am content to sew, and sew, and sew until all the fabric here has been used- to keep my eye out for your sales, Lord, -to diligently and wisely run this small, start-up, non-profit in the name of Jesus and for the love of orphans. I couldn't be more excited to be used in such a way. I can't keep my enthusiasm to myself- it feels like I'd explode if I tried!
This is what it looks like to do things your way and not mine. This is the work you have for me...this is what I am supposed to be doing for Africa's orphans...right now. You directed me to this, and when I stepped out in obedience and willingness to walk an unknown path, you blessed it- greatly!
May I remember this- this moment- this feeling- and do life in this manner...always. For it is so much greater to follow your lead than wail with frustration standing still.
You have deeply blessed this effort. And I wouldn't want to be doing anything else, right now.
This blanket ministry to orphans will touch more and go further than I ever thought possible- frankly, greater than ever crossed my mind. I thought we were just making 100 blankets to get my unsettled heart to focus on what could be done- now. But by the looks of it, a ministry has been born.
Cocoon, Cuddling Africa's Orphans. An outreach you planted in my heart to love on the loveless- to reach those who seem unreachable- so far away and in a world so unfamiliar to me. And as much as I long to cradle those children close to my heart, I will trust you to love them. For now, I will settle to pray over this labor of love- this fabric and thread- knowing you will bring these blankets to those in need...that these blankets will be a symbol of love, of faith, of your heart for orphans...and of my desire to be used for the causes of Christ.
It amazes me how many people have eagerly partnered with me in this effort. People who know me and love me- people who only have heard of what I am trying to do. It amazes me that the day after I sent out my email asking friends and family to help, one fabric store decided to cut the cost of flannel by more than half for that week. And as I stepped out with my own money to start purchasing sale fabric, you multiplied my funds over and over again. It amazes me that by week's end I was heading back to the fabric store to buy as much flannel as I could fit in my cart.
I sit here today with 234 yards of fabric in my house and more money in the bank for this ministry than I've already spent. How many blankets are we making, Lord? Oh, how it would blow my mind, I'm sure, if I saw the big picture!
For now, I am content to sew, and sew, and sew until all the fabric here has been used- to keep my eye out for your sales, Lord, -to diligently and wisely run this small, start-up, non-profit in the name of Jesus and for the love of orphans. I couldn't be more excited to be used in such a way. I can't keep my enthusiasm to myself- it feels like I'd explode if I tried!
This is what it looks like to do things your way and not mine. This is the work you have for me...this is what I am supposed to be doing for Africa's orphans...right now. You directed me to this, and when I stepped out in obedience and willingness to walk an unknown path, you blessed it- greatly!
May I remember this- this moment- this feeling- and do life in this manner...always. For it is so much greater to follow your lead than wail with frustration standing still.
Monday, March 7, 2011
movement
You have given me direction...an outlet...an action for my unsettled heart. Thank you, Oh Lord, for you are always so very good.
And although this new step is not what I thought I was waiting for, I can see how this is better. Your ways are always better. And I also see how I may not have arrived at this point if I was not so frustrated, so impatient, so anxious to go...move...and do. I see how you were building in me a breaking point of sorts- something to cause the right action in my life. Something to get me to say, "Well, then fine! What can I do now for these children, if we aren't going forward with adoption yet?" Something to move my eyes off my wants and my plan and seek yours...to truly look for you and where you would have me go.
I am walking down a path, today I know was hand-crafted for me. You prepared this for me- I feel it. And it is an amazing feeling to be deeply breathing in what you have planned...to step out and watch you provide. Lord, it was less than 12 hours from when I actually articulated my desire to make receiving blankets for orphans until you gave me a place for that to happen- a church so willing to participate. It was like you were merely waiting for me to move, so you could act. (And I have been thinking the reverse all this time).
I have said (many times) that I see adoption as a God blessed endeavor...something that truly pleases you, an effort you willingly support. I can't help, but think that this too is a God blessed endeavor. To care for these children through something so simple as homemade blankets, pleases you just as much as opening my home. For both require a broken heart and a desire to "defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and oppressed." (Psalm 82:3).
Bless this effort, Oh Lord. Have your hand upon it and bring about your glory as we step out and reach to love on the loveless, the forgotten, the poor and the lonely. As we act as your hands and your feet, provide what is needed to do what you have prepared in advance for us to do.
To you be the glory. Amen!
And although this new step is not what I thought I was waiting for, I can see how this is better. Your ways are always better. And I also see how I may not have arrived at this point if I was not so frustrated, so impatient, so anxious to go...move...and do. I see how you were building in me a breaking point of sorts- something to cause the right action in my life. Something to get me to say, "Well, then fine! What can I do now for these children, if we aren't going forward with adoption yet?" Something to move my eyes off my wants and my plan and seek yours...to truly look for you and where you would have me go.
I am walking down a path, today I know was hand-crafted for me. You prepared this for me- I feel it. And it is an amazing feeling to be deeply breathing in what you have planned...to step out and watch you provide. Lord, it was less than 12 hours from when I actually articulated my desire to make receiving blankets for orphans until you gave me a place for that to happen- a church so willing to participate. It was like you were merely waiting for me to move, so you could act. (And I have been thinking the reverse all this time).
I have said (many times) that I see adoption as a God blessed endeavor...something that truly pleases you, an effort you willingly support. I can't help, but think that this too is a God blessed endeavor. To care for these children through something so simple as homemade blankets, pleases you just as much as opening my home. For both require a broken heart and a desire to "defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and oppressed." (Psalm 82:3).
Bless this effort, Oh Lord. Have your hand upon it and bring about your glory as we step out and reach to love on the loveless, the forgotten, the poor and the lonely. As we act as your hands and your feet, provide what is needed to do what you have prepared in advance for us to do.
To you be the glory. Amen!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
facts
I have prayed and prayed that You would remove my desire to adopt if it isn't what You have for me...and I become more and more convicted...more and more willing...more and more anxious to be a part of it. The time I have spent reading about a ministry in Uganda has broken me even further. Certain facts have hit me hard, Lord, and thankfully have left me changed.
The fact that parents will often not name their children because they are not valued and are expected to die. The fact that children thought to be 'lame' are actually only suffering from malnutrition. The fact that boys sold into slavery to be soldiers are now, after the war, considered outcasts and shunned- left to the streets to be hungry. The fact that stepmothers who have the provisions to care for their stepchildren will chose not to do so because they are not related by blood. The fact that a mother will actually believe her small baby girl is cursed and refuse to feed her or show her compassion. The fact that there are more self-professing, born again Christians in this world than orphans, and if only 8% of us would take ONE child in, there would be no orphans. That last one blows my mind.
And I am restless because of it. At this point I can't imagine not being involved with orphans in Africa in one way or another...even if I can't see the 'how' I definitely understand and believe in the why...and the who.
These facts have disrupted me and who I am...they call me to act. A dear friend recently said You will eventually hold us accountable on how we respond to Your orphans...how we respond to You. Enable me to be a good and faithful servant, Lord. Go ahead of me and guide me to the children who need me...who need You...who need to know we love them...with all our hearts.
For the struggles of impoverished orphans need to be my struggles. I must fight on their behalf. I absolutely have to.
The fact that parents will often not name their children because they are not valued and are expected to die. The fact that children thought to be 'lame' are actually only suffering from malnutrition. The fact that boys sold into slavery to be soldiers are now, after the war, considered outcasts and shunned- left to the streets to be hungry. The fact that stepmothers who have the provisions to care for their stepchildren will chose not to do so because they are not related by blood. The fact that a mother will actually believe her small baby girl is cursed and refuse to feed her or show her compassion. The fact that there are more self-professing, born again Christians in this world than orphans, and if only 8% of us would take ONE child in, there would be no orphans. That last one blows my mind.
And I am restless because of it. At this point I can't imagine not being involved with orphans in Africa in one way or another...even if I can't see the 'how' I definitely understand and believe in the why...and the who.
These facts have disrupted me and who I am...they call me to act. A dear friend recently said You will eventually hold us accountable on how we respond to Your orphans...how we respond to You. Enable me to be a good and faithful servant, Lord. Go ahead of me and guide me to the children who need me...who need You...who need to know we love them...with all our hearts.
For the struggles of impoverished orphans need to be my struggles. I must fight on their behalf. I absolutely have to.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
for you are God
Why do I think because I've waitied for more than 2 years, that I have waited long enough? There are believers- strong followers and committed members of your kingdom- who wait so much longer to see the visions you've placed on their hearts unfold. And just because I think I see the obstacle in my way...I see it not budging or moving in my favor- does not mean it is immovable to you? Does not mean you WON'T move it. You just aren't moving it, yet.
And just because I have a timetable in my head- a plan- a 'perfect' scenario, does not mean that is what you have for me. When my dates pass me by, it does not mean you are passing me by. That you are leaving me and my vision unfulfilled. That you are refusing to use me and this passion you planted.
I know you are stronger, bigger, more powerful than anything in my way. I know your timing is perfect and that I need to stop whining about the wait. I do want to do things your way...I do. And as much as the wait makes me doubt you have a plan, it is in the waiting that my dependence on you grows. If this was a stroll in the park, how would I see you? How would I be prepared to rely on you in the larger obstacles ahead?
I seek to serve you above all things. My desire is to truly be beyond myself in this life...so up to my neck in things that are out of my control that staying afloat is completely because of you. I want to be wholeheartedly dependent on you with every breath. To live a sacrificial life that screams volumes for your kingdom. No more day to day- lunch box to lunch box- I want to do something bigger...something more...something I could never do without you.
And that is a longing I know glorifies you. One you will nurture, mold, and purpose for your kingdom. One that will surely be used to touch the lonely, the fatherless, the orphans in poverty. To touch them and bring them home.
And just because I have a timetable in my head- a plan- a 'perfect' scenario, does not mean that is what you have for me. When my dates pass me by, it does not mean you are passing me by. That you are leaving me and my vision unfulfilled. That you are refusing to use me and this passion you planted.
I know you are stronger, bigger, more powerful than anything in my way. I know your timing is perfect and that I need to stop whining about the wait. I do want to do things your way...I do. And as much as the wait makes me doubt you have a plan, it is in the waiting that my dependence on you grows. If this was a stroll in the park, how would I see you? How would I be prepared to rely on you in the larger obstacles ahead?
I seek to serve you above all things. My desire is to truly be beyond myself in this life...so up to my neck in things that are out of my control that staying afloat is completely because of you. I want to be wholeheartedly dependent on you with every breath. To live a sacrificial life that screams volumes for your kingdom. No more day to day- lunch box to lunch box- I want to do something bigger...something more...something I could never do without you.
And that is a longing I know glorifies you. One you will nurture, mold, and purpose for your kingdom. One that will surely be used to touch the lonely, the fatherless, the orphans in poverty. To touch them and bring them home.
Friday, February 18, 2011
needing to 'do'
I'm in a position, Lord, where there isn't much I can do. Actually do. I lack verbs I can act on. I heard a speaker say last night "do what you can do and let God do what you cannot do." There is so much, at this point, I cannot do. It overwhelms me.
And the 'thing' I am left with that I can do...is pray. And I don't know how to pray about this anymore. Do I pray for hearts- to be changed? to be prepared? to be softened? to be upheld and strengthened?
Do I pray for you to go before us? Prepare the way? Provide the funds? Comfort the waiting? Challenge others and raise our support (emotional and otherwise)?
Do I pray for favor? Favor in the home study? Favor in the courts? Favor with the agencies?
Or do I simply pray for you to sustain me...my hopes...my passion...my longing to love on the lonely.
Draw my eyes on you and you alone. Don't let me be beaten down by the wait...by the lack of movement...the absence of action verbs. Instead, let me trust. Trust you have a plan...trust you are indeed moving (regardless of what I can see). Fill me with hope...a confidence that you are at work.
You can use me...right?...you will...deep down I know that. And because my head holds such truth, I will not listen to anything that says the contrary..."I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord." (Psalm 23:13). A goodness that places the lonely in families...a goodness that is a Father to the fatherless.
Perhaps all this waiting is just a way to build endurance for an even more difficult waiting that lies ahead of me. And if that is how I must be prepared to withstand the struggle ahead- if I need to be more before I can move forward- I would have it no other way.
I refuse to believe this will slip through my fingers. I cannot imagine such a longing is not from you- one fed and nourished so greatly- one so slathered in scripture- one that clearly displays your fingerprints...everywhere.
So, until the opportunity to adopt has truly passed me up, I will not give up.
And the 'thing' I am left with that I can do...is pray. And I don't know how to pray about this anymore. Do I pray for hearts- to be changed? to be prepared? to be softened? to be upheld and strengthened?
Do I pray for you to go before us? Prepare the way? Provide the funds? Comfort the waiting? Challenge others and raise our support (emotional and otherwise)?
Do I pray for favor? Favor in the home study? Favor in the courts? Favor with the agencies?
Or do I simply pray for you to sustain me...my hopes...my passion...my longing to love on the lonely.
Draw my eyes on you and you alone. Don't let me be beaten down by the wait...by the lack of movement...the absence of action verbs. Instead, let me trust. Trust you have a plan...trust you are indeed moving (regardless of what I can see). Fill me with hope...a confidence that you are at work.
You can use me...right?...you will...deep down I know that. And because my head holds such truth, I will not listen to anything that says the contrary..."I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord." (Psalm 23:13). A goodness that places the lonely in families...a goodness that is a Father to the fatherless.
Perhaps all this waiting is just a way to build endurance for an even more difficult waiting that lies ahead of me. And if that is how I must be prepared to withstand the struggle ahead- if I need to be more before I can move forward- I would have it no other way.
I refuse to believe this will slip through my fingers. I cannot imagine such a longing is not from you- one fed and nourished so greatly- one so slathered in scripture- one that clearly displays your fingerprints...everywhere.
So, until the opportunity to adopt has truly passed me up, I will not give up.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Hopelessness
Why does my hope vary so greatly? Why, as people, do we rely so much on circumstance? If I could just look at You- and You only, I would never feel the weight of hopelessness. It is only because I let myself get distracted by the chaos around me that I ever crumble into despair.
And despair is where I am sitting. Some more. And although I have been encouraged by past and current adoption stories I am reading, I can't help but question if I'll ever get my turn. Will we ever step out? Will our feet ever faithfully walk that road?
I am in a moment of doubt on the subject. Although my heart has not changed...and technically even circumstances have not changed...the mood in the air seems unfavorable. And such a fickle thing has brought my focus off of You and onto my perceptions. My perceptions lack hope.
And in this particular downheartedness, I wonder what the later years of this life will look like if I never sacrifice truly for your kingdom. If I never pursue You and the "what ifs." If I 'play it safe'...'stick to what I know'...or simply muddle through the day to day I already claim...what does that look like later in life? When I grow gray will I hold tightly to regret? To unmet dreams and desires?
On the one hand, I don't believe we can truly miss your plan for our lives? On the other hand, can't we fail to receive blessings by making wrong choices? Can't a person who does not tithe, miss out on what you have for her? Doesn't a person who refuses to work through unforgivness, miss something? And although I long deeply to adopt, is it possible you will hold that out for me and I will be unable to receive that blessing? Is that possible?
I can accept you not granting me the opportunity to adopt. I wither at the thought of missing the opportunity. Don't let me miss out on what you hold out for me. Don't let this hopelessness turn into apathy. Don't let me protect my heart from brokenness, and quit the dream before it ignites into a reality. Give me glimmers of hope...a knowing that this road can very easily turn into that road- because you are a God of all things and with You "all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).
And despair is where I am sitting. Some more. And although I have been encouraged by past and current adoption stories I am reading, I can't help but question if I'll ever get my turn. Will we ever step out? Will our feet ever faithfully walk that road?
I am in a moment of doubt on the subject. Although my heart has not changed...and technically even circumstances have not changed...the mood in the air seems unfavorable. And such a fickle thing has brought my focus off of You and onto my perceptions. My perceptions lack hope.
And in this particular downheartedness, I wonder what the later years of this life will look like if I never sacrifice truly for your kingdom. If I never pursue You and the "what ifs." If I 'play it safe'...'stick to what I know'...or simply muddle through the day to day I already claim...what does that look like later in life? When I grow gray will I hold tightly to regret? To unmet dreams and desires?
On the one hand, I don't believe we can truly miss your plan for our lives? On the other hand, can't we fail to receive blessings by making wrong choices? Can't a person who does not tithe, miss out on what you have for her? Doesn't a person who refuses to work through unforgivness, miss something? And although I long deeply to adopt, is it possible you will hold that out for me and I will be unable to receive that blessing? Is that possible?
I can accept you not granting me the opportunity to adopt. I wither at the thought of missing the opportunity. Don't let me miss out on what you hold out for me. Don't let this hopelessness turn into apathy. Don't let me protect my heart from brokenness, and quit the dream before it ignites into a reality. Give me glimmers of hope...a knowing that this road can very easily turn into that road- because you are a God of all things and with You "all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Psalm 136:8
"The lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O Lord, endures forever-
do not abandon the works of your hands."
your love, O Lord, endures forever-
do not abandon the works of your hands."
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
restless
Thank you.
Thank you that within all my self absorbed whining...amongst my feelings of frustration and irritation with my own anxiousness... you still provide.
The study notes I read in my quiet time yesterday gave me peace about my own lack of peace. It stated:
That's what it I feel! That's the word. Restless. I've felt it as being anxious or impatient...eager to get my hands in the thick of God's work...a longing to bring my children home from Ethiopia...a painful unsettling...but restless...that describes how I feel about our adoption. And if it was good for David to feel restless about getting a temple built for the ark of the covenant (Psalm 132: 2-5), then it is good for me to feel restless about international adoption.
I will try not to get down on myself for being eager...for being anxious...for being restless. I will instead try to remember I'm in good company. After all, David was a 'man after God's own heart."
And deep down, I hold on to the truth that adoption is a God blessed endeavor- that you have failed to remove this want from me even though I have prayed for you to do just that (over and over again). I know you see my restlessness...and perhaps it does not disappoint you (as I have suspected), but instead bring a smile to your face because I anxiously await to adopt...restless to see your will accomplished through me.
Thank you that within all my self absorbed whining...amongst my feelings of frustration and irritation with my own anxiousness... you still provide.
The study notes I read in my quiet time yesterday gave me peace about my own lack of peace. It stated:
"We must live so close to God that we become restless until God's will is accomplished through us."
That's what it I feel! That's the word. Restless. I've felt it as being anxious or impatient...eager to get my hands in the thick of God's work...a longing to bring my children home from Ethiopia...a painful unsettling...but restless...that describes how I feel about our adoption. And if it was good for David to feel restless about getting a temple built for the ark of the covenant (Psalm 132: 2-5), then it is good for me to feel restless about international adoption.
I will try not to get down on myself for being eager...for being anxious...for being restless. I will instead try to remember I'm in good company. After all, David was a 'man after God's own heart."
And deep down, I hold on to the truth that adoption is a God blessed endeavor- that you have failed to remove this want from me even though I have prayed for you to do just that (over and over again). I know you see my restlessness...and perhaps it does not disappoint you (as I have suspected), but instead bring a smile to your face because I anxiously await to adopt...restless to see your will accomplished through me.
Monday, January 24, 2011
being a planner
Lord, I am failing to see the blessing in being a planner these days. It seems more like an obstacle...more of a hurdle...than a gift. I'm sure there is a time and place where an organized planner like myself could shine- but for now, I just feel toyed with.
All I want to do, Lord, is figure things out...make decisions on logistics that are not yet my own.
I want to plan how to add more children to the bedrooms we currently have...figure out where they would all sleep and problem solve on how to get the additional beds. What about building on to the house? Will we ever be able to afford that? If not, what's the best way to make us all fit? Who will come home to us, Lord? How many boys? How many girls? What will make them smile? Will they like lasagna any more than our current children? Will I need to home school for any length of time? Attend to any specific needs? What about the kitchen table? Should I have my dad build the one I think would be perfect or make do with what we have? What about a vehicle to fit our larger family? How would we afford that? Would it even fit in the garage? Surely we could simply drive two cars everywhere if need be. Nothing can be a deal breaker...none of this, that is.
But you, Lord...you could be the deal breaker...and frankly after my heavy heart yesterday, I just want you to either rip this band-aid off and send me in another direction or hold me in the palm of your hand and whisper words that enable me to keep waiting.
I actually imagined what it would be like to dedicate our adopted children to you...just like we did with the others when they were babies...to have our friends around us...praying over us and our children...reading scripture and celebrating our desire to raise them to know and love you. It brings a tear to my eye once more to envision such a scene. And a non-planner would not be plagued with such heartache...a non-planner wouldn't get ahead of herself like I do on a daily basis. A non-planner wouldn't make beds every morning only to be greeted by the longing to make a few more. I close my eyes and a flood of plans I long to make have to be held at bay...plans I may never get to execute...plans that could be a complete waste of time.
Yet, I can't keep from thinking of them... and what I need to do to prepare for my children to come home. I beg you to remove this want I have for them if you have no intention of fulfilling it. The pain of not knowing is growing old and makes me weary. And I seem to have no control over my planner's heart...it keeps thinking and figuring...it keeps preparing and planning...making room and giving all the overwhelming logistics over to you. My heart, in-spite of itself, marches forward finding new details to iron out even when the wonder of when weighs heavy.
Surely, you knew the planner in me would feel tormented in the wait...in the wonder...in the worry. Yet, you still placed me on this road. And as much as I want off, I will stay if it means eventually being able to bring my children home...if it means, at the end of the road, you have shaped this planner into something new...something better...a someone you need me to be to move forward in the life you hold out.
So, I will do my best not to go mad while trying not to plan...knowing you designed me this way in the first place. If being a planner isn't a blessing today...I hope that someday soon, such skills will be a commodity I couldn't do without.
All I want to do, Lord, is figure things out...make decisions on logistics that are not yet my own.
I want to plan how to add more children to the bedrooms we currently have...figure out where they would all sleep and problem solve on how to get the additional beds. What about building on to the house? Will we ever be able to afford that? If not, what's the best way to make us all fit? Who will come home to us, Lord? How many boys? How many girls? What will make them smile? Will they like lasagna any more than our current children? Will I need to home school for any length of time? Attend to any specific needs? What about the kitchen table? Should I have my dad build the one I think would be perfect or make do with what we have? What about a vehicle to fit our larger family? How would we afford that? Would it even fit in the garage? Surely we could simply drive two cars everywhere if need be. Nothing can be a deal breaker...none of this, that is.
But you, Lord...you could be the deal breaker...and frankly after my heavy heart yesterday, I just want you to either rip this band-aid off and send me in another direction or hold me in the palm of your hand and whisper words that enable me to keep waiting.
I actually imagined what it would be like to dedicate our adopted children to you...just like we did with the others when they were babies...to have our friends around us...praying over us and our children...reading scripture and celebrating our desire to raise them to know and love you. It brings a tear to my eye once more to envision such a scene. And a non-planner would not be plagued with such heartache...a non-planner wouldn't get ahead of herself like I do on a daily basis. A non-planner wouldn't make beds every morning only to be greeted by the longing to make a few more. I close my eyes and a flood of plans I long to make have to be held at bay...plans I may never get to execute...plans that could be a complete waste of time.
Yet, I can't keep from thinking of them... and what I need to do to prepare for my children to come home. I beg you to remove this want I have for them if you have no intention of fulfilling it. The pain of not knowing is growing old and makes me weary. And I seem to have no control over my planner's heart...it keeps thinking and figuring...it keeps preparing and planning...making room and giving all the overwhelming logistics over to you. My heart, in-spite of itself, marches forward finding new details to iron out even when the wonder of when weighs heavy.
Surely, you knew the planner in me would feel tormented in the wait...in the wonder...in the worry. Yet, you still placed me on this road. And as much as I want off, I will stay if it means eventually being able to bring my children home...if it means, at the end of the road, you have shaped this planner into something new...something better...a someone you need me to be to move forward in the life you hold out.
So, I will do my best not to go mad while trying not to plan...knowing you designed me this way in the first place. If being a planner isn't a blessing today...I hope that someday soon, such skills will be a commodity I couldn't do without.
Monday, January 17, 2011
wisdom
To pray for wisdom is only half my need.
I also must pray for courage to act on what I know.
For what good does it do me to have great understanding
if I lack the strength to apply it?
I also must pray for courage to act on what I know.
For what good does it do me to have great understanding
if I lack the strength to apply it?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
purpose in the wait
I can manage waiting, Lord, if the wait has purpose. If the wait is worthwhile. If you are working while I wait.
Waiting just for waiting's sake is painful, and although some might say character building, I would say empty waiting is maddening.
I have such a sense of urgency on my heart. My children are waiting for me. They are without a family, without an education, without a warm bed and a full meal...without a book and a kiss goodnight...they are waiting. Why are they still waiting? Can't we step up the pace? How much longer do they have to wait? How much longer do I have to wait? I need to go get them.
I know...deep down...your timing is perfect. A friend once told me, "God is making sure you get the right kids...in his timing it will all be perfect." And I love that. I appreciate that perspective. Unfortunately, as days wear on and weeks and months pile up, it does not soothe my anxiety and urgency to bring my children home.
We need them here. We need their smiles and their laughter. Our home is not yet whole...my heart is not yet full. We need to sing "Happy Birthday" a few more times this year...have a few more pairs of shoes in the closet...and squeeze a few more chairs around the kitchen table. We need them here, Lord.
And as great as my need to wait no longer is, I trust you. I trust this process is all in your perfect timing...a timing beyond my understanding. There is purpose in the wait...I have to trust in that truth. You are moving...whether I see it each day or not. Hearts are being prepared, homes are being touched and you are working in the wait.
So, as we continue to wait, equip us. Equip us as parents for all that is ahead. Prepare us as a family to grow, change and impact your kingdom. Protect us in the wait from the evil one's whispers of doubt and despair. Enable us to wait for as long as you deem necessary...for as long as it takes until we are blessed to wait no longer. Until we are holding our sweet, precious children in our arms.
Waiting just for waiting's sake is painful, and although some might say character building, I would say empty waiting is maddening.
I have such a sense of urgency on my heart. My children are waiting for me. They are without a family, without an education, without a warm bed and a full meal...without a book and a kiss goodnight...they are waiting. Why are they still waiting? Can't we step up the pace? How much longer do they have to wait? How much longer do I have to wait? I need to go get them.
I know...deep down...your timing is perfect. A friend once told me, "God is making sure you get the right kids...in his timing it will all be perfect." And I love that. I appreciate that perspective. Unfortunately, as days wear on and weeks and months pile up, it does not soothe my anxiety and urgency to bring my children home.
We need them here. We need their smiles and their laughter. Our home is not yet whole...my heart is not yet full. We need to sing "Happy Birthday" a few more times this year...have a few more pairs of shoes in the closet...and squeeze a few more chairs around the kitchen table. We need them here, Lord.
And as great as my need to wait no longer is, I trust you. I trust this process is all in your perfect timing...a timing beyond my understanding. There is purpose in the wait...I have to trust in that truth. You are moving...whether I see it each day or not. Hearts are being prepared, homes are being touched and you are working in the wait.
So, as we continue to wait, equip us. Equip us as parents for all that is ahead. Prepare us as a family to grow, change and impact your kingdom. Protect us in the wait from the evil one's whispers of doubt and despair. Enable us to wait for as long as you deem necessary...for as long as it takes until we are blessed to wait no longer. Until we are holding our sweet, precious children in our arms.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
the cost
What cost is too high? What sacrifice too great? When in the other hand there are 2 or 3 precious lives to save. To save from loneliness and despair. To save from uncertainty and hunger. To save ultimately from a too early grave.
And in its place to give love- love of a family. To fill with food and security. To educate, shape and adore.
Will it truly matter if our current children are able to maintain the few activities they enjoy? How do you tell a starving child, "I'd love to feed you, but, you know, we have to pay for ballet instead." ? Will it matter if some of their clothes are no longer new, but all are borrowed and handed down? Is it too great of a sacrifice to work until weary for a handful of years so that our family can be a bustle of activity and love- a collection of colors, cultures and backgrounds- functioning as one large Christ-serving mob?
I know there will have to be changes. (I refuse to really even call them sacrifices. In light of how the rest of the world sacrifices, our experience would merely involve change). If we can't afford to expand the house, our quarters would be a bit more snug. If my contract editing work fails to continue, we may not eat as we currently do. As much as I adore (and I do mean adore) the girls' dance studio and instructor, we may have to install our own ballet bar and adjust to Ms. Mommy teaching dance instead.
There may be no Starbucks, or pedicures, or cute new tops on sale at Kohls. There may be no more new video games, Sonic or Netfix subscription. And as the scales seek to balance...the precious lives still win out...easily. No sacrifice is too great...no cost too high to bring my Ethiopian children home. There is nothing I wouldn't give up...no corner I wouldn't cut just to feed them, love them, and tuck them in bed at night.
Oh how I weep out of longing for them. I don't even know their faces and yet I see them everywhere I turn. I don't even know their names, yet I pray for them...always. Oh, Lord, I pray they know how greatly they are wanted...how deeply desired...how wholeheartedly fought for. And may they never doubt, that no sacrifice was too great to bring them home.
And in its place to give love- love of a family. To fill with food and security. To educate, shape and adore.
Will it truly matter if our current children are able to maintain the few activities they enjoy? How do you tell a starving child, "I'd love to feed you, but, you know, we have to pay for ballet instead." ? Will it matter if some of their clothes are no longer new, but all are borrowed and handed down? Is it too great of a sacrifice to work until weary for a handful of years so that our family can be a bustle of activity and love- a collection of colors, cultures and backgrounds- functioning as one large Christ-serving mob?
I know there will have to be changes. (I refuse to really even call them sacrifices. In light of how the rest of the world sacrifices, our experience would merely involve change). If we can't afford to expand the house, our quarters would be a bit more snug. If my contract editing work fails to continue, we may not eat as we currently do. As much as I adore (and I do mean adore) the girls' dance studio and instructor, we may have to install our own ballet bar and adjust to Ms. Mommy teaching dance instead.
There may be no Starbucks, or pedicures, or cute new tops on sale at Kohls. There may be no more new video games, Sonic or Netfix subscription. And as the scales seek to balance...the precious lives still win out...easily. No sacrifice is too great...no cost too high to bring my Ethiopian children home. There is nothing I wouldn't give up...no corner I wouldn't cut just to feed them, love them, and tuck them in bed at night.
Oh how I weep out of longing for them. I don't even know their faces and yet I see them everywhere I turn. I don't even know their names, yet I pray for them...always. Oh, Lord, I pray they know how greatly they are wanted...how deeply desired...how wholeheartedly fought for. And may they never doubt, that no sacrifice was too great to bring them home.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
peace
peace
it should not rise from circumstance
nor be born of planning
instead
I should find it in the hold you have on me
the control you not only claim
but maintain
over each and every moment
so when the knots
so tightly tied
unweave themselves
into a frazzled mess
let me not focus on fraying details
but instead
may I rest in truth
-there is a grand plan-
I am not left
to flounder through
circumstance
I need only to seek
peace
in the warmth of your hand
it should not rise from circumstance
nor be born of planning
instead
I should find it in the hold you have on me
the control you not only claim
but maintain
over each and every moment
so when the knots
so tightly tied
unweave themselves
into a frazzled mess
let me not focus on fraying details
but instead
may I rest in truth
-there is a grand plan-
I am not left
to flounder through
circumstance
I need only to seek
peace
in the warmth of your hand
...so much less...
less
you deserve nothing less
than my best
yet so often
I do give you less
less of me
of my heart
of my time
I fail to see the selfishness I serve
the folly in my choices
or the fool I willingly play
my eyes go blind
to what your hand holds out
to the completeness
to the beauty
to the best you offer me
and I end up
with glasses half filled
construction that's condemned
and time mindlessly slipping through my fingers
open my eyes
-my heart-
remind me of you
and all you've already done for me
enable me to reach beyond selfishness
to sacrfice and servanthood
enable me to choose you
not me
-yours
not mine-
for your way
is better
is brighter
is best
and mine,
well mine, is so much less
you deserve nothing less
than my best
yet so often
I do give you less
less of me
of my heart
of my time
I fail to see the selfishness I serve
the folly in my choices
or the fool I willingly play
my eyes go blind
to what your hand holds out
to the completeness
to the beauty
to the best you offer me
and I end up
with glasses half filled
construction that's condemned
and time mindlessly slipping through my fingers
open my eyes
-my heart-
remind me of you
and all you've already done for me
enable me to reach beyond selfishness
to sacrfice and servanthood
enable me to choose you
not me
-yours
not mine-
for your way
is better
is brighter
is best
and mine,
well mine, is so much less
Psalm 37:4-7
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret..."
AMEN!
AMEN!
Psalm 119: 143
"Trouble and distress have come upon me, but your commands are my delight...give me understanding that I may live."
Psalm 119:114, 116b
"You are my refuge and my shield. I have put my hope in your word...do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me, and I will be delivered."
money...blah!
Money. I truly dislike money. (Now, my husband would say it is the lack of money that I do not like, which may be true...nonetheless, I still dislike money).
Everything ultimately comes down to money. Having enough of it to do what you need to do, want to do, feel lead to do. Oh Lord, don't let money be our obstacle...our stumbling block. I pray you show up bigger than money. I don't want to give up because the lack of money intimidated me too much. I want to stare that beast down...eye to eye...and know full well you'll provide...moving forward regardless.
But right now, my heart weighs heavy...it aches. My hope and my hold on our adoption is being tested (and it seems like that happens more times than I can count- is that part of your plan?...Growing me through doubt ...Are you testing me to see how steadfast I am at even the bleakest of times? Or is this just a product of other work you are doing? I so don't like being a side effect, by the way.)
Hold my heart in your hand, Lord. Grant me an increase in hope...in faith. Protect my dreams of adoption. Protect my children as they continue to wait for us to come get them.
Everything ultimately comes down to money. Having enough of it to do what you need to do, want to do, feel lead to do. Oh Lord, don't let money be our obstacle...our stumbling block. I pray you show up bigger than money. I don't want to give up because the lack of money intimidated me too much. I want to stare that beast down...eye to eye...and know full well you'll provide...moving forward regardless.
But right now, my heart weighs heavy...it aches. My hope and my hold on our adoption is being tested (and it seems like that happens more times than I can count- is that part of your plan?...Growing me through doubt ...Are you testing me to see how steadfast I am at even the bleakest of times? Or is this just a product of other work you are doing? I so don't like being a side effect, by the way.)
Hold my heart in your hand, Lord. Grant me an increase in hope...in faith. Protect my dreams of adoption. Protect my children as they continue to wait for us to come get them.
Friday, January 7, 2011
a life of purpose
untitled
the road has been weary- impassable some days
and such weariness can blind
blind us to blessings bestowed
hide from us the hallelujahs of life
so it is with fervent prayer we must find perspective
a higher vantage point that reveals reality
let us not simply strive for survival
or focus on merely finishing
let us not live each day void of any real sense of life
to not notice the days' events
-to merely complete one to start another-
that strips our existence of purpose and joy,
steals from our God the opportunity to bless
so with renewed perspective, let us rise each day
with determination to receive every moment
to notice each hiccup, happening and heartache
to breathe in every evidence of our God
committed to truly live the days we are granted
no longer blind, but wide-eyed
eyes open to the energy of more than existing
hearts ready to receive the many blessings of God
the road has been weary- impassable some days
and such weariness can blind
blind us to blessings bestowed
hide from us the hallelujahs of life
so it is with fervent prayer we must find perspective
a higher vantage point that reveals reality
let us not simply strive for survival
or focus on merely finishing
let us not live each day void of any real sense of life
to not notice the days' events
-to merely complete one to start another-
that strips our existence of purpose and joy,
steals from our God the opportunity to bless
so with renewed perspective, let us rise each day
with determination to receive every moment
to notice each hiccup, happening and heartache
to breathe in every evidence of our God
committed to truly live the days we are granted
no longer blind, but wide-eyed
eyes open to the energy of more than existing
hearts ready to receive the many blessings of God
Blessed Endeavor
In January of 2010 (an entire year ago now), I carried confidence we'd adopt. This is how I saw it.
Blessed Endeavor
A thought you grew into a want
And a want you nourished into a plan
This is your plan
A plan so beyond my scope of understanding
With needs I can’t even begin to pray about
If it were easy
If it were a straight and broad path
I wouldn’t see you at work
And what would be the growth in that?
But because it is such an unknown
So much larger than myself
Every step will be your footprint
Not mine
Every hurdle your achievement
Not ours
Keep us grounded to you
Not carried away by pride for good deeds
Not distracted by culture’s criticism
But focused on the seed you planted and
The joy of witnessing your faithfulness
Enable us to embrace an endeavor so rich with blessing
One that will change who we are- forever
Packed and Ready To Go
In February of 2010, the expectations I had that we would adopt were shattered and all was in question. This was my response.
packed and ready to go
grabbing with gusto life’s necessities
I packed my bags
I folded in what I preferred
I sat on top and zipped it closed
confident and unaware
unaware that I had taken the lead
not acknowledging I can't pack
if I don't know where I’m going
if I don't consult you
the map holder- the map maker
then I cannot pack my bags at all
I have no right to feel duped
no understandable claim to frustration
because I jumped
with assumptions
ahead of you
leaving me now confused and deflated
where are we going?
for I do not think it was where I was headed
when will we get there?
my anxious heart longs to know
save me from my eagerness
direct me toward your path
and most of all make this disconnect dissipate
unify me to your plan
use me, if you still can
and take this life to where you’ve meant it to go all along
You take care of packing my bags
and I will be waiting and ready
when it is time to carry them
why don’t you let me know when You are packed and ready to go
packed and ready to go
grabbing with gusto life’s necessities
I packed my bags
I folded in what I preferred
I sat on top and zipped it closed
confident and unaware
unaware that I had taken the lead
not acknowledging I can't pack
if I don't know where I’m going
if I don't consult you
the map holder- the map maker
then I cannot pack my bags at all
I have no right to feel duped
no understandable claim to frustration
because I jumped
with assumptions
ahead of you
leaving me now confused and deflated
where are we going?
for I do not think it was where I was headed
when will we get there?
my anxious heart longs to know
save me from my eagerness
direct me toward your path
and most of all make this disconnect dissipate
unify me to your plan
use me, if you still can
and take this life to where you’ve meant it to go all along
You take care of packing my bags
and I will be waiting and ready
when it is time to carry them
why don’t you let me know when You are packed and ready to go
...for more than two years now...
My heart aches to adopt. My impatience to do so continually brings me to my knees. The new year has begun and I am desperate to uncover what it holds- while at the same time concerned it won't hold my heart's desire.
Didn't you give me that heart's desire in the first place? Didn't you plant that seed? Isn't that from you? Haven't I prayed for you to remove it from me over and over again, only to find myself more passionate and more committed? Surely, this longing to adopt is from you. Something you purposely placed inside me. I'm wrecked over the needs of orphans. I am not the same. Not the same person I was before you planted this seed. Not the same mother- my heart is bigger...longs deeper...and seeks so genuinely to do more...more for your kingdom...for your orphans.
I want to do more than raise these kids we have so they can grow up and raise kids of their own so they can grow up and raise kids of their own and so on. There is more to life than that...more for us. More from you. I want to work for your good. I want to go to bed weary each night because the day was full of kingdom moments- sacrifices for your glory, a life that cannot deny your mighty and faithful hand to all who see it.
How much would adoption change our biological children? It is amazing to think of...and a change for such good. They would have such a greater ability for compassion and selflessness...serving and understanding...what a broader knowledge of the world they would have...a deeper concept of what truly makes a family. How would adoption impact them to become the people you expect them to be? I can only imagine...
At the same time, I hear the worries Satan whispers to me...in the too quiet moments of wonder. Things like "you are not good enough..not a good enough mother to the ones you already have...your home is too chaotic...your family already too big...the stress and difficulty would destroy your marriage."
QUIET!
Tell me, Lord, none of that is true. This is either your plan for us or it is not, but surely it is not based on merit! Clearly I don't deserve any of the blessings I currently swim amongst. I can never work hard enough to earn your favor. It is obvious to me...in my life...you grant favor even when it is not merited...how 'bout especially when it is not merited?
My marriage is overflowing with blessing. I adore my husband and feel more than adored in return. Our 14 years of marriage have only been a marinating for what is to come- I'm confident of that...for each day with my loving and supportive husband is slathered in your blessing. My children. Lord, all five of my children are such grand gifts. Their individuality seasons this family. The strong godly character I see emerging in the older ones...the leadership and compassion. The younger ones' sense of unity and companionship. Lord, each one of them is more than I could have hoped for.
And yes...I am still a sinner...my parenting is not perfect. I am aware of improvements I could embrace...at the same time you have, by your grace, enabled me to teach, counsel, play, create and mold these children with every day. They know they are loved...safe...protected and secure. They know of their Heavenly Father and how desperately You seek them. They love and worship you in their own precious ways...continuously.
I cannot earn the privilege to adopt. Certainly not. I can only be on the receiving end of such a great blessing. A blessing I deeply long for- one I hold out tentatively. Guide me only where you would have me go...I pray that guidance leads me right to the hearts of my Ethiopian children.
(compelled to share this...grab a tissue)
Depraved Indifference by Eric Ludy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWHJ6-YhSYQ
Didn't you give me that heart's desire in the first place? Didn't you plant that seed? Isn't that from you? Haven't I prayed for you to remove it from me over and over again, only to find myself more passionate and more committed? Surely, this longing to adopt is from you. Something you purposely placed inside me. I'm wrecked over the needs of orphans. I am not the same. Not the same person I was before you planted this seed. Not the same mother- my heart is bigger...longs deeper...and seeks so genuinely to do more...more for your kingdom...for your orphans.
I want to do more than raise these kids we have so they can grow up and raise kids of their own so they can grow up and raise kids of their own and so on. There is more to life than that...more for us. More from you. I want to work for your good. I want to go to bed weary each night because the day was full of kingdom moments- sacrifices for your glory, a life that cannot deny your mighty and faithful hand to all who see it.
How much would adoption change our biological children? It is amazing to think of...and a change for such good. They would have such a greater ability for compassion and selflessness...serving and understanding...what a broader knowledge of the world they would have...a deeper concept of what truly makes a family. How would adoption impact them to become the people you expect them to be? I can only imagine...
At the same time, I hear the worries Satan whispers to me...in the too quiet moments of wonder. Things like "you are not good enough..not a good enough mother to the ones you already have...your home is too chaotic...your family already too big...the stress and difficulty would destroy your marriage."
QUIET!
Tell me, Lord, none of that is true. This is either your plan for us or it is not, but surely it is not based on merit! Clearly I don't deserve any of the blessings I currently swim amongst. I can never work hard enough to earn your favor. It is obvious to me...in my life...you grant favor even when it is not merited...how 'bout especially when it is not merited?
My marriage is overflowing with blessing. I adore my husband and feel more than adored in return. Our 14 years of marriage have only been a marinating for what is to come- I'm confident of that...for each day with my loving and supportive husband is slathered in your blessing. My children. Lord, all five of my children are such grand gifts. Their individuality seasons this family. The strong godly character I see emerging in the older ones...the leadership and compassion. The younger ones' sense of unity and companionship. Lord, each one of them is more than I could have hoped for.
And yes...I am still a sinner...my parenting is not perfect. I am aware of improvements I could embrace...at the same time you have, by your grace, enabled me to teach, counsel, play, create and mold these children with every day. They know they are loved...safe...protected and secure. They know of their Heavenly Father and how desperately You seek them. They love and worship you in their own precious ways...continuously.
I cannot earn the privilege to adopt. Certainly not. I can only be on the receiving end of such a great blessing. A blessing I deeply long for- one I hold out tentatively. Guide me only where you would have me go...I pray that guidance leads me right to the hearts of my Ethiopian children.
(compelled to share this...grab a tissue)
Depraved Indifference by Eric Ludy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWHJ6-YhSYQ
Monday, January 3, 2011
a short prayer
I have grown so close to you, Lord, in my need. As uncomfortable as the need itself may be- clinging to you, watching you love me through faithfulness- makes it more than worth while.
So, I lift my concerns to you...there is no need to worry for you are ultimately the one caring for me...meeting my needs...granting me wisdom.
Wisdom. I ask for wisdom as we continue to ponder the possibility of international adoption. I long to be in your will...I hope as much as I long to adopt a sibling group from Ethiopia. Keep my hopes high and my commitment grounded as I continue to wait. Guide me as I document all that transpires- so it will serve as a testimony to your faithfulness, provisions, power, and love- love for our family and love for those so desperately in need of a family.
As I read recently, "passion fades, man loses heart- gets discouraged and waivers. If the Lord is not in man's plans...they fail." I pray we are all about Your plans, Lord, and not our own. Guide my feet and my tongue...may they take me only where You would have me go...even if that isn't adoption.
So, I lift my concerns to you...there is no need to worry for you are ultimately the one caring for me...meeting my needs...granting me wisdom.
Wisdom. I ask for wisdom as we continue to ponder the possibility of international adoption. I long to be in your will...I hope as much as I long to adopt a sibling group from Ethiopia. Keep my hopes high and my commitment grounded as I continue to wait. Guide me as I document all that transpires- so it will serve as a testimony to your faithfulness, provisions, power, and love- love for our family and love for those so desperately in need of a family.
Psalm 41:1 "Blessed is he who has regard for the weak;
the Lord delivers him in times of trouble."
Psalm 57: 10 "For great is your love reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the sky."
Psalm 68:5-6 "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families."
the Lord delivers him in times of trouble."
Psalm 57: 10 "For great is your love reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the sky."
Psalm 68:5-6 "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families."
As I read recently, "passion fades, man loses heart- gets discouraged and waivers. If the Lord is not in man's plans...they fail." I pray we are all about Your plans, Lord, and not our own. Guide my feet and my tongue...may they take me only where You would have me go...even if that isn't adoption.
Psalm 102: 1-2
"Hear my prayer, O Lord; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly."
I write
only because I am given the words to use.
I create
only because I am inspired by my own imaginative creator.
I love
because I have seen true Love,
and I worship
because I am compelled to do so
by all the blessings that surround me.
All of this and more
bring me the meaning
for which I wake each day.
For without it
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
Without Him, all that I
experience
-blessing and pain-
are for nothing.
only because I am given the words to use.
I create
only because I am inspired by my own imaginative creator.
I love
because I have seen true Love,
and I worship
because I am compelled to do so
by all the blessings that surround me.
All of this and more
bring me the meaning
for which I wake each day.
For without it
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
Without Him, all that I
experience
-blessing and pain-
are for nothing.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)