As exciting as the blanket ministry is, my heart weighs heavy and I feel my hope for adoption dissipating. I sense a time of true decision to be at hand- a fork in the road- and it doesn't look good.
Right now, I am fearful my dreams of the last 2 1/2 years have been a tease, and if they are, how will I recover?
I search for the part of me that wants to simply do what You have for me to do - no matter what...and it is the 'no matter what' that I can't muster. I can't find it anywhere. Instead all I can find is an ache, a longing, a desire to scream out "how can this not be."
Lord, I cannot sit on this fence any longer. I will not chose to sit here, either, only to ignore the inevitable. Hiding from a 'no' doesn't make it any less painful- it just delays it. And I'm tired of pretending my heart to adopt is enough to make it happen. I must be honest and recognize I am incapable of carrying this to completion alone.
I ask for the strength to walk away from my dreams.
Will you comfort me and my broken heart? Can we sit and weep together over this missed road? Will you raise someone up to take on what I am not allowed to claim? Because part of me (the slowly growing bitterness inside) thinks you are just as disappointed as I am. And that is the saddest thought of all.
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