Amazima Ministries

http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

facts

I have prayed and prayed that You would remove my desire to adopt if it isn't what You have for me...and I become more and more convicted...more and more willing...more and more anxious to be a part of it.  The time I have spent reading about a ministry in Uganda has broken me even further.  Certain facts have hit me hard, Lord, and thankfully have left me changed.

The fact that parents will often not name their children because they are not valued and are expected to die.  The fact that children thought to be 'lame' are actually only suffering from malnutrition.  The fact that boys sold into slavery to be soldiers are now, after the war, considered outcasts and shunned- left to the streets to be hungry.  The fact that stepmothers who have the provisions to care for their stepchildren will chose not to do so because they are not related by blood. The fact that a mother will actually believe her small baby girl is cursed and refuse to feed her or show her compassion.  The fact that there are more self-professing, born again Christians in this world than orphans, and if only 8% of us would take ONE child in, there would be no orphans.  That last one blows my mind.

And I am restless because of it.  At this point I can't imagine not being involved with orphans in Africa in one way or another...even if I can't see the 'how' I definitely understand and believe in the why...and the who.

These facts have disrupted me and who I am...they call me to act.  A dear friend recently said You will eventually hold us accountable on how we respond to Your orphans...how we respond to You.  Enable me to be a good and faithful servant, Lord.  Go ahead of me and guide me to the children who need me...who need You...who need to know we love them...with all our hearts.

For the struggles of impoverished orphans need to be my struggles.  I must fight on their behalf.  I absolutely have to.

for you are God

Why do I think because I've waitied for more than 2 years, that I have waited long enough?  There are believers- strong followers and committed members of your kingdom- who wait so much longer to see the visions you've placed on their hearts unfold.  And just because I think I see the obstacle in my way...I see it not budging or moving in my favor- does not mean it is immovable to you?  Does not mean you WON'T move it.  You just aren't moving it, yet.

And just because I have a timetable in my head- a plan- a 'perfect' scenario, does not mean that is what you have for me.  When my dates pass me by, it does not mean you are passing me by.  That you are leaving me and my vision unfulfilled.  That you are refusing to use me and this passion you planted.

I know you are stronger, bigger, more powerful than anything in my way.  I know your timing is perfect and that I need to stop whining about the wait.  I do want to do things your way...I do.  And as much as the wait makes me doubt you have a plan, it is in the waiting that my dependence on you grows.  If this was a stroll in the park, how would I see you?  How would I be prepared to rely on you in the larger obstacles ahead?

I seek to serve you above all things.  My desire is to truly be beyond myself in this life...so up to my neck in things that are out of my control that staying afloat is completely because of you.  I want to be wholeheartedly dependent on you with every breath.  To live a sacrificial life that screams volumes for your kingdom.  No more day to day- lunch box to lunch box- I want to do something bigger...something more...something I could never do without you.

And that is a longing I know glorifies you.  One you will nurture, mold, and purpose for your kingdom.  One that will surely be used to touch the lonely, the fatherless, the orphans in poverty.  To touch them and bring them home.

needing to 'do'

I'm in a position, Lord, where there isn't much I can do.  Actually do.  I lack verbs I can act on.  I heard a speaker say last night "do what you can do and let God do what you cannot do."  There is so much, at this point, I cannot do.  It overwhelms me.

And the 'thing' I am left with that I can do...is pray.  And I don't know how to pray about this anymore.  Do I pray for hearts- to be changed?  to be prepared? to be softened?  to be upheld and strengthened? 

Do I pray for you to go before us?  Prepare the way?  Provide the funds? Comfort the waiting?  Challenge others and raise our support (emotional and otherwise)? 

Do I pray for favor?  Favor in the home study?  Favor in the courts?  Favor with the agencies?

Or do I simply pray for you to sustain me...my hopes...my passion...my longing to love on the lonely. 

Draw my eyes on you and you alone.  Don't let me be beaten down by the wait...by the lack of movement...the absence of action verbs.  Instead, let me trust.  Trust you have a plan...trust you are indeed moving (regardless of what I can see).  Fill me with hope...a confidence that you are at work.

You can use me...right?...you will...deep down I know that.  And because my head holds such truth, I will not listen to anything that says the contrary..."I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord."  (Psalm 23:13).  A goodness that places the lonely in families...a goodness that is a Father to the fatherless. 

Perhaps all this waiting is just a way to build endurance for an even more difficult waiting that lies ahead of me.  And if that is how I must be prepared to withstand the struggle ahead- if I need to be more before I can move forward- I would have it no other way.

I refuse to believe this will slip through my fingers.  I cannot imagine such a longing is not from you- one fed and nourished so greatly- one so slathered in scripture- one that clearly displays your fingerprints...everywhere. 

So, until the opportunity to adopt has truly passed me up, I will not give up.

Hopelessness

Why does my hope vary so greatly?  Why, as people, do we rely so much on circumstance?  If I could just look at You- and You only, I would never feel the weight of hopelessness.  It is only because I let myself get distracted by the chaos around me that I ever crumble into despair.

And despair is where I am sitting.  Some more.  And although I have been encouraged by past and current adoption stories I am reading, I can't help but question if I'll ever get my turn.  Will we ever step out?  Will our feet ever faithfully walk that road?

I am in a moment of doubt on the subject.  Although my heart has not changed...and technically even circumstances have not changed...the mood in the air seems unfavorable.  And such a fickle thing has brought my focus off of You and onto my perceptions.  My perceptions lack hope.

And in this particular downheartedness, I wonder what the later years of this life will look like if I never sacrifice truly for your kingdom.  If I never pursue You and the "what ifs."  If I 'play it safe'...'stick to what I know'...or simply muddle through the day to day I already claim...what does that look like later in life?  When I grow gray will I hold tightly to regret?  To unmet dreams and desires? 

On the one hand, I don't believe we can truly miss your plan for our lives?  On the other hand, can't we fail to receive blessings by making wrong choices?  Can't a person who does not tithe, miss out on what you have for her?  Doesn't a person who refuses to work through unforgivness, miss something?  And although I long deeply to adopt, is it possible you will hold that out for me and I will be unable to receive that blessing?  Is that possible?

I can accept you not granting me the opportunity to adopt.  I wither at the thought of missing the opportunity.  Don't let me miss out on what you hold out for me.  Don't let this hopelessness turn into apathy.  Don't let me protect my heart from brokenness, and quit the dream before it ignites into a reality.  Give me glimmers of hope...a knowing that this road can very easily turn into that road- because you are a God of all things and with You "all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).

Psalm 136:8

"The lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O Lord, endures forever-
do not abandon the works of your hands."