Hopelessness

Why does my hope vary so greatly?  Why, as people, do we rely so much on circumstance?  If I could just look at You- and You only, I would never feel the weight of hopelessness.  It is only because I let myself get distracted by the chaos around me that I ever crumble into despair.

And despair is where I am sitting.  Some more.  And although I have been encouraged by past and current adoption stories I am reading, I can't help but question if I'll ever get my turn.  Will we ever step out?  Will our feet ever faithfully walk that road?

I am in a moment of doubt on the subject.  Although my heart has not changed...and technically even circumstances have not changed...the mood in the air seems unfavorable.  And such a fickle thing has brought my focus off of You and onto my perceptions.  My perceptions lack hope.

And in this particular downheartedness, I wonder what the later years of this life will look like if I never sacrifice truly for your kingdom.  If I never pursue You and the "what ifs."  If I 'play it safe'...'stick to what I know'...or simply muddle through the day to day I already claim...what does that look like later in life?  When I grow gray will I hold tightly to regret?  To unmet dreams and desires? 

On the one hand, I don't believe we can truly miss your plan for our lives?  On the other hand, can't we fail to receive blessings by making wrong choices?  Can't a person who does not tithe, miss out on what you have for her?  Doesn't a person who refuses to work through unforgivness, miss something?  And although I long deeply to adopt, is it possible you will hold that out for me and I will be unable to receive that blessing?  Is that possible?

I can accept you not granting me the opportunity to adopt.  I wither at the thought of missing the opportunity.  Don't let me miss out on what you hold out for me.  Don't let this hopelessness turn into apathy.  Don't let me protect my heart from brokenness, and quit the dream before it ignites into a reality.  Give me glimmers of hope...a knowing that this road can very easily turn into that road- because you are a God of all things and with You "all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).