Lord, I thought it was foolish to attend the conference at church. The last thing I needed was to be challenged to change the world. I already long to do that through adoption, and sitting for 3 days listening to people tell me to put feet to my faith was not going to settle my restless heart.
But, I went. I went to hide (as you and I both know), and I was honest about my expectations...to have the raw 'wound' of lost dreams be doused with lemon juice. But, I went anyway. And you met me right where I was.
The very first speaker floored me. She did not tell me to get up and fly- to grab the world by its tail and change it forever- to swoop in and adopt a sibling group from Africa. She told me that we often get obsessed with "go" and forget that spiritually, Lord, you have an "on your marks" and a "get set" before we are allowed to soar. "There is a preparation that will sustain us through the 'go', otherwise we will grow weary and fail." A preparation that makes the 'go' a success.
Another speaker dove deeper into my heart and explained,"'if we have a dream we can work out in our head, than that's not a dream- it's a plan! And God is bigger than our plans." You and I both know, Lord, that I have been very up front with my plans...I know they are an obstacle to my patience, peace and sometimes hope. I needed to be reminded that your plans are bigger and with greater purpose than anything I could come up with.
I also needed to be told that this life is all about you...not me. It is you that redeems and restores and then you use it for your purposes. My part is to be obedient in the things you have put in front of me- to act on what your spirit has compelled me to do. And for now, that is the blanket ministry.
I was challenged to pay attention to what I already have- to capitalize on what is at my disposal. "So often we are waiting for God, but could it be that it is God who is waiting on us? Invest fully in the things of God and receive supernatural dividends- Be faithful, even when it doesn't make sense." Oh, Lord, so often it doesn't make sense. (You don't often make sense.) But, I do believe I am being faithful in what you have already asked me to do. I would rather be adopting, but you have me sewing...and I will continue to sew for as long as you fund it and call me to it. I will be faithful where I am knowing it can prepare me for what you hold out ahead. There is true joy in obedience and I don't know that I have ever been this full of joy before!
In a 3 day conference, you changed my broken heart to be more about you and what you hold out for me than adoption. I still long to adopt, but I now have a peace within that passion that I have not been able to grasp before. I long to be obedient in the things of today- to be used today however you see fit. I will not white knuckle my adoption plans and pout like a child with the slightest hint of a different route. I long to be used to adopt...to make a difference in the life of children so far away...but my focus is on you - how you long to use me...what you need to do to prepare me...and how your ways are so much grander than mine (today and along the way). I choose the blessed path- one which you lead down- and not the road I carve out for myself.
A speaker during the conference said, "if we don't want to be disappointed, in a hurry or bitter with where life has us, we need to be at God's feet first all the time." I can honestly say, I happily sit at your feet, Lord, acting in obedience with all you place before me, trusting you and your leading.
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