As exciting as the blanket ministry is, my heart weighs heavy and I feel my hope for adoption dissipating. I sense a time of true decision to be at hand- a fork in the road- and it doesn't look good.
Right now, I am fearful my dreams of the last 2 1/2 years have been a tease, and if they are, how will I recover?
I search for the part of me that wants to simply do what You have for me to do - no matter what...and it is the 'no matter what' that I can't muster. I can't find it anywhere. Instead all I can find is an ache, a longing, a desire to scream out "how can this not be."
Lord, I cannot sit on this fence any longer. I will not chose to sit here, either, only to ignore the inevitable. Hiding from a 'no' doesn't make it any less painful- it just delays it. And I'm tired of pretending my heart to adopt is enough to make it happen. I must be honest and recognize I am incapable of carrying this to completion alone.
I ask for the strength to walk away from my dreams.
Will you comfort me and my broken heart? Can we sit and weep together over this missed road? Will you raise someone up to take on what I am not allowed to claim? Because part of me (the slowly growing bitterness inside) thinks you are just as disappointed as I am. And that is the saddest thought of all.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
bigger than me
This effort you started, this dream you deposited, this, frankly, crazy idea you gave to make 100 blankets and get them to orphans in Africa has become so much bigger than me that all I can see is You.
Fabric is everywhere in my house. The sewing machine- a constant fixture in my bedroom. The task at hand sits in front of me daily. This is so much bigger than me.
The funds I thought I'd need to make 100 blankets have certainly come in from generous people I both know and don't know. And it keeps coming in. Today, I sit here with three times the amount of money I intended to raise. Three times! And with fabric being cheaper and coupons being plentiful, I sit here with 300 yards of flannel, 60 yards of satin, and less than half of the money spent. Oh, this is so much bigger than me- it is so You!
And I guess that's how you do things. Big. Bigger than we can hope, dream or imagine. Bigger than we plan. Bigger than we expect. Big suits you, and if I step out in faith, I know you'll do so much 'big' in my life that I wouldn't be able to articulate it.
And that is my prayer. Do big, Lord. Do big in my life in such a way that I can't help but share it with people. Do big in my family that we are compelled to give you glory with our very breaths. Do big in my hopes for adoption that we understand you had 'big' planned all along.
Do more than I could plan. Be bigger than I could ask for. Shine brighter than me, so that all who see your work in my life don't see me at all- only you. Because it is all about you, Lord. The big (and the little). My life carries meaning and purpose because it is a life dedicated to you and the things you have for me.
And currently, it appears you have a blanket ministry for me to manage. I pray for the time and energy to complete all that is before me. I pray for wisdom on who to ask to come alongside me and sew. I pray for the children who will receive the blankets we have made- may they comfort, soothe and calm their very souls knowing it is truly your love they are cuddling.
And I pray that some day not too far away I'll be able to share this ministry (or the story of it) with my own African children- may they know how deeply I longed for them- so deeply that I followed God down an unknown path doing what first looked like a mere distraction- but what turned into a genuine outreach to their very homeland.
Fabric is everywhere in my house. The sewing machine- a constant fixture in my bedroom. The task at hand sits in front of me daily. This is so much bigger than me.
The funds I thought I'd need to make 100 blankets have certainly come in from generous people I both know and don't know. And it keeps coming in. Today, I sit here with three times the amount of money I intended to raise. Three times! And with fabric being cheaper and coupons being plentiful, I sit here with 300 yards of flannel, 60 yards of satin, and less than half of the money spent. Oh, this is so much bigger than me- it is so You!
And I guess that's how you do things. Big. Bigger than we can hope, dream or imagine. Bigger than we plan. Bigger than we expect. Big suits you, and if I step out in faith, I know you'll do so much 'big' in my life that I wouldn't be able to articulate it.
And that is my prayer. Do big, Lord. Do big in my life in such a way that I can't help but share it with people. Do big in my family that we are compelled to give you glory with our very breaths. Do big in my hopes for adoption that we understand you had 'big' planned all along.
Do more than I could plan. Be bigger than I could ask for. Shine brighter than me, so that all who see your work in my life don't see me at all- only you. Because it is all about you, Lord. The big (and the little). My life carries meaning and purpose because it is a life dedicated to you and the things you have for me.
And currently, it appears you have a blanket ministry for me to manage. I pray for the time and energy to complete all that is before me. I pray for wisdom on who to ask to come alongside me and sew. I pray for the children who will receive the blankets we have made- may they comfort, soothe and calm their very souls knowing it is truly your love they are cuddling.
And I pray that some day not too far away I'll be able to share this ministry (or the story of it) with my own African children- may they know how deeply I longed for them- so deeply that I followed God down an unknown path doing what first looked like a mere distraction- but what turned into a genuine outreach to their very homeland.
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