restless

Thank you.

Thank you that within all my self absorbed whining...amongst my feelings of frustration and irritation with my own anxiousness... you still provide.

The study notes I read in my quiet time yesterday gave me peace about my own lack of peace.  It stated:

"We must live so close to God that we become restless until God's will is accomplished through us."

That's what it I feel!  That's the word.  Restless.  I've felt it as being anxious or impatient...eager to get my hands in the thick of God's work...a longing to bring my children home from Ethiopia...a painful unsettling...but restless...that describes how I feel about our adoption.  And if it was good for David to feel restless about getting a temple built for the ark of the covenant (Psalm 132: 2-5), then it is good for me to feel restless about international adoption.

 
I will try not to get down on myself for being eager...for being anxious...for being restless.  I will instead try to remember I'm in good company.  After all, David was a 'man after God's own heart."

And deep down, I hold on to the truth that adoption is a God blessed endeavor- that you have failed to remove this want from me even though I have prayed for you to do just that (over and over again).  I know you see my restlessness...and perhaps it does not disappoint you (as I have suspected), but instead bring a smile to your face because I anxiously await to adopt...restless to see your will accomplished through me.

being a planner

Lord, I am failing to see the blessing in being a planner these days.  It seems more like an obstacle...more of a hurdle...than a gift.  I'm sure there is a time and place where an organized planner like myself could shine- but for now, I just feel toyed with. 

All I want to do, Lord, is figure things out...make decisions on logistics that are not yet my own. 

I want to plan how to add more children to the bedrooms we currently have...figure out where they would all sleep and problem solve on how to get the additional beds.  What about building on to the house?  Will we ever be able to afford that?  If not, what's the best way to make us all fit?  Who will come home to us, Lord?  How many boys?  How many girls?  What will make them smile?  Will they like lasagna any more than our current children?  Will I need to home school for any length of time?  Attend to any specific needs?  What about the kitchen table?  Should I have my dad build the one I think would be perfect or make do with what we have?  What about a vehicle to fit our larger family?  How would we afford that?  Would it even fit in the garage?  Surely we could simply drive two cars everywhere if need be.  Nothing can be a deal breaker...none of this, that is.

But you, Lord...you could be the deal breaker...and frankly after my heavy heart yesterday, I just want you to either rip this band-aid off and send me in another direction or hold me in the palm of your hand and whisper words that enable me to keep waiting. 

I actually imagined what it would be like to dedicate our adopted children to you...just like we did with the others when they were babies...to have our friends around us...praying over us and our children...reading scripture and celebrating our desire to raise them to know and love you.  It brings a tear to my eye once more to envision such a scene.  And a non-planner would not be plagued with such heartache...a non-planner wouldn't get ahead of herself like I do on a daily basis.  A non-planner wouldn't make beds every morning only to be greeted by the longing to make a few more.  I close my eyes and a flood of plans I long to make have to be held at bay...plans I may never get to execute...plans that could be a complete waste of time.

Yet, I can't keep from thinking of them... and what I need to do to prepare for my children to come home.  I beg you to remove this want I have for them if you have no intention of fulfilling it.  The pain of not knowing is growing old and makes me weary.  And I seem to have no control over my planner's heart...it keeps thinking and figuring...it keeps preparing and planning...making room and giving all the overwhelming logistics over to you.  My heart, in-spite of itself, marches forward finding new details to iron out even when the wonder of when weighs heavy.

Surely, you knew the planner in me would feel tormented in the wait...in the wonder...in the worry.  Yet, you still placed me on this road.  And as much as I want off, I will stay if it means eventually being able to bring my children home...if it means, at the end of the road, you have shaped this planner into something new...something better...a someone you need me to be to move forward in the life you hold out.

So, I will do my best not to go mad while trying not to plan...knowing you designed me this way in the first place.  If being a planner isn't a blessing today...I hope that someday soon, such skills will be a commodity I couldn't do without.

wisdom

To pray for wisdom is only half my need.
I also must pray for courage to act on what I know.

For what good does it do me to have great understanding
if I lack the strength to apply it?

purpose in the wait

I can manage waiting, Lord, if the wait has purpose.  If the wait is worthwhile.  If you are working while I wait.

Waiting just for waiting's sake is painful, and although some might say character building, I would say empty waiting is maddening.

I have such a sense of urgency on my heart.  My children are waiting for me.  They are without a family, without an education, without a warm bed and a full meal...without a book and a kiss goodnight...they are waiting.  Why are they still waiting?  Can't we step up the pace?  How much longer do they have to wait?  How much longer do I have to wait?  I need to go get them.

I know...deep down...your timing is perfect.  A friend once told me, "God is making sure you get the right kids...in his timing it will all be perfect."  And I love that.  I appreciate that perspective.  Unfortunately, as days wear on and weeks and months pile up, it does not soothe my anxiety and urgency to bring my children home.

We need them here.  We need their smiles and their laughter.  Our home is not yet whole...my heart is not yet full.  We need to sing "Happy Birthday" a few more times this year...have a few more pairs of shoes in the closet...and squeeze a few more chairs around the kitchen table.  We need them here, Lord.

And as great as my need to wait no longer is, I trust you.  I trust this process is all in your perfect timing...a timing beyond my understanding.  There is purpose in the wait...I have to trust in that truth.  You are moving...whether I see it each day or not.  Hearts are being prepared, homes are being touched and you are working in the wait.

So, as we continue to wait, equip us.  Equip us as parents for all that is ahead.  Prepare us as a family to grow, change and impact your kingdom.  Protect us in the wait from the evil one's whispers of doubt and despair.  Enable us to wait for as long as you deem necessary...for as long as it takes until we are blessed to wait no longer.  Until we are holding our sweet, precious children in our arms.

the cost

What cost is too high?  What sacrifice too great?  When in the other hand there are 2 or 3 precious lives to save.  To save from loneliness and despair.  To save from uncertainty and hunger.  To save ultimately from a too early grave. 

And in its place to give love- love of a family.  To fill with food and security.  To educate, shape and adore. 

Will it truly matter if our current children are able to maintain the few activities they enjoy?  How do you tell a starving child, "I'd love to feed you, but, you know, we have to pay for ballet instead."  ?  Will it matter if some of their clothes are no longer new, but all are borrowed and handed down?  Is it too great of a sacrifice to work until weary for a handful of years so that our family can be a bustle of activity and love- a collection of colors, cultures and backgrounds- functioning as one large Christ-serving mob?

I know there will have to be changes.  (I refuse to really even call them sacrifices.  In light of how the rest of the world sacrifices, our experience would merely involve change).  If we can't afford to expand the house, our quarters would be a bit more snug.  If my contract editing work fails to continue, we may not eat as we currently do.  As much as I adore (and I do mean adore) the girls' dance studio and instructor, we may have to install our own ballet bar and adjust to Ms. Mommy teaching dance instead. 

There may be no Starbucks, or pedicures, or cute new tops on sale at Kohls.  There may be no more new video games, Sonic or Netfix subscription.  And as the scales seek to balance...the precious lives still win out...easily.  No sacrifice is too great...no cost too high to bring my Ethiopian children home.  There is nothing I wouldn't give up...no corner I wouldn't cut just to feed them, love them, and tuck them in bed at night.

Oh how I weep out of longing for them.  I don't even know their faces and yet I see them everywhere I turn.  I don't even know their names, yet I pray for them...always.  Oh, Lord, I pray they know how greatly they are wanted...how deeply desired...how wholeheartedly fought for.  And may they never doubt, that no sacrifice was too great to bring them home.

peace

peace
it should not rise from circumstance
nor be born of planning
instead
I should find it in the hold you have on me
the control you not only claim
but maintain
over each and every moment
so when the knots
so tightly tied
unweave themselves
into a frazzled mess
let me not focus on fraying details
but instead
may I rest in truth
-there is a grand plan-
I am not left
to flounder through
circumstance
I need only to seek
peace
in the warmth of your hand

...so much less...

less

you deserve nothing less
than my best
yet so often
I do give you less
less of me
of my heart
of my time
I fail to see the selfishness I serve
the folly in my choices
or the fool I willingly play
my eyes go blind
to what your hand holds out
to the completeness
to the beauty
to the best you offer me
and I end up
with glasses half filled
construction that's condemned
and time mindlessly slipping through my fingers
open my eyes
-my heart-
remind me of you
and all you've already done for me
enable me to reach beyond selfishness
to sacrfice and servanthood
enable me to choose you
not me
-yours
not mine-
for your way
is better
is brighter
is best
and mine,
well mine, is so much less

Psalm 37:4-7

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret..."


AMEN!

Psalm 119: 143

"Trouble and distress have come upon me, but your commands are my delight...give me understanding that I may live."

Psalm 119:114, 116b

"You are my refuge and my shield.  I have put my hope in your word...do not let my hopes be dashed.  Uphold me, and I will be delivered."

money...blah!

Money.  I truly dislike money.  (Now, my husband would say it is the lack of money that I do not like, which may be true...nonetheless, I still dislike money).  

Everything ultimately comes down to money.  Having enough of it to do what you need to do, want to do, feel lead to do.  Oh Lord, don't let money be our obstacle...our stumbling block.  I pray you show up bigger than money.  I don't want to give up because the lack of money intimidated me too much.  I want to stare that beast down...eye to eye...and know full well you'll provide...moving forward regardless.

But right now, my heart weighs heavy...it aches.  My hope and my hold on our adoption is being tested (and it seems like that happens more times than I can count- is that part of your plan?...Growing me through doubt ...Are you testing me to see how steadfast I am at even the bleakest of times?  Or is this just a product of other work you are doing?  I so don't like being a side effect, by the way.)

Hold my heart in your hand, Lord.  Grant me an increase in hope...in faith.  Protect my dreams of adoption.  Protect my children as they continue to wait for us to come get them.

a life of purpose

untitled

the road has been weary- impassable some days
and such weariness can blind
blind us to blessings bestowed
hide from us the hallelujahs of life
so it is with fervent prayer we must find perspective
a higher vantage point that reveals reality

let us not simply strive for survival
or focus on merely finishing
let us not live each day void of any real sense of life
to not notice the days' events
-to merely complete one to start another-
that strips our existence of purpose and joy,
steals from our God the opportunity to bless

so with renewed perspective, let us rise each day
with determination to receive every moment
to notice each hiccup, happening and heartache
to breathe in every evidence of our God
committed to truly live the days we are granted
no longer blind, but wide-eyed

eyes open to the energy of more than existing
hearts ready to receive the many blessings of God

Psalm 120:1

"I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me."

Blessed Endeavor

In January of 2010 (an entire year ago now), I carried confidence we'd adopt.  This is how I saw it.

Blessed Endeavor

A thought you grew into a want
And a want you nourished into a plan
This is your plan
A plan so beyond my scope of understanding
With needs I can’t even begin to pray about

If it were easy
If it were a straight and broad path
I wouldn’t see you at work
And what would be the growth in that?

But because it is such an unknown
So much larger than myself
Every step will be your footprint
Not mine
Every hurdle your achievement
Not ours

Keep us grounded to you
Not carried away by pride for good deeds
Not distracted by culture’s criticism
But focused on the seed you planted and
The joy of witnessing your faithfulness

Enable us to embrace an endeavor so rich with blessing
One that will change who we are- forever

Packed and Ready To Go

In February of 2010, the expectations I had that we would adopt were shattered and all was in question.  This was my response.


packed and ready to go

grabbing with gusto life’s necessities
I packed my bags
I folded in what I preferred
I sat on top and zipped it closed
confident and unaware

unaware that I had taken the lead
not acknowledging I can't pack
if I don't know where I’m going

if I don't consult you
the map holder- the map maker
then I cannot pack my bags at all

I have no right to feel duped
no understandable claim to frustration
because I jumped
with assumptions
ahead of you

leaving me now confused and deflated

where are we going?
for I do not think it was where I was headed
when will we get there?
my anxious heart longs to know

save me from my eagerness
direct me toward your path
and most of all make this disconnect dissipate

unify me to your plan
use me, if you still can
and take this life to where you’ve meant it to go all along

You take care of packing my bags
and I will be waiting and ready
when it is time to carry them

why don’t you let me know when You are packed and ready to go

...for more than two years now...

My heart aches to adopt.  My impatience to do so continually brings me to my knees.  The new year has begun and I am desperate to uncover what it holds- while at the same time concerned it won't hold my heart's desire.

Didn't you give me that heart's desire in the first place?  Didn't you plant that seed?  Isn't that from you?  Haven't I prayed for you to remove it from me over and over again, only to find myself more passionate and more committed?  Surely, this longing to adopt is from you.  Something you purposely placed inside me.  I'm wrecked over the needs of orphans.  I am not the same.  Not the same person I was before you planted this seed.  Not the same mother- my heart is bigger...longs deeper...and seeks so genuinely to do more...more for your kingdom...for your orphans.

I want to do more than raise these kids we have so they can grow up and raise kids of their own so they can grow up and raise kids of their own and so on.  There is more to life than that...more for us.  More from you.  I want to work for your good.  I want to go to bed weary each night because the day was full of kingdom moments- sacrifices for your glory, a life that cannot deny your mighty and faithful hand to all who see it.

How much would adoption change our biological children?  It is amazing to think of...and a change for such good.  They would have such a greater ability for compassion and selflessness...serving and understanding...what a broader knowledge of the world they would have...a deeper concept of what truly makes a family.  How would adoption impact them to become the people you expect them to be?  I can only imagine...

At the same time, I hear the worries Satan whispers to me...in the too quiet moments of wonder.  Things like "you are not good enough..not a good enough mother to the ones you already have...your home is too chaotic...your family already too big...the stress and difficulty would destroy your marriage."

QUIET!

Tell me, Lord, none of that is true.  This is either your plan for us or it is not, but surely it is not based on merit!  Clearly I don't deserve any of the blessings I currently swim amongst.  I can never work hard enough to earn your favor.  It is obvious to me...in my life...you grant favor even when it is not merited...how 'bout especially when it is not merited?

My marriage is overflowing with blessing.  I adore my husband and feel more than adored in return.  Our 14 years of marriage have only been a marinating for what is to come- I'm confident of that...for each day with my loving and supportive husband is slathered in your blessing.  My children.  Lord, all five of my children are such grand gifts.  Their individuality seasons this family.  The strong godly character I see emerging in the older ones...the leadership and compassion.  The younger ones' sense of unity and companionship.  Lord, each one of them is more than I could have hoped for.

And yes...I am still a sinner...my parenting is not perfect.  I am aware of improvements I could embrace...at the same time you have, by your grace, enabled me to teach, counsel, play, create and mold these children with every day.  They know they are loved...safe...protected and secure.  They know of their Heavenly Father and how desperately You seek them.  They love and worship you in their own precious ways...continuously.

I cannot earn the privilege to adopt.  Certainly not.  I can only be on the receiving end of such a great blessing.  A blessing I deeply long for- one I hold out tentatively.  Guide me only where you would have me go...I pray that guidance leads me right to the hearts of my Ethiopian children.


(compelled to share this...grab a tissue)
Depraved Indifference by Eric Ludy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWHJ6-YhSYQ

a short prayer

I have grown so close to you, Lord, in my need.  As uncomfortable as the need itself may be- clinging to you, watching you love me through faithfulness- makes it more than worth while.

So, I lift my concerns to you...there is no need to worry for you are ultimately the one caring for me...meeting my needs...granting me wisdom.

Wisdom.  I ask for wisdom as we continue to ponder the possibility of international adoption.  I long to be in your will...I hope as much as I long to adopt a sibling group from Ethiopia.  Keep my hopes high and my commitment grounded as I continue to wait.  Guide me as I document all that transpires- so it will serve as a testimony to your faithfulness, provisions, power, and love- love for our family and love for those so desperately in need of a family.   

Psalm 41:1  "Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; 
the Lord delivers him in times of trouble."  

Psalm 57: 10  "For great is your love reaching to the heavens; 
your faithfulness reaches to the sky."     

Psalm 68:5-6  "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in his holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families." 

As I read recently, "passion fades, man loses heart- gets discouraged and waivers.  If the Lord is not in man's plans...they fail."  I pray we are all about Your plans, Lord, and not our own.  Guide my feet and my tongue...may they take me only where You would have me go...even if that isn't adoption.

Psalm 102: 1-2

"Hear my prayer, O Lord; let my cry for help come to you.  Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress.  Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly."

I write
only because I am given the words to use. 
I create
only because I am inspired by my own imaginative creator. 
I love
because I have seen true Love,
and I worship
because I am compelled to do so
by all the blessings that surround me. 

All of this and more
bring me the meaning
for which I wake each day.
For without it
I have nothing.
I am nothing.
Without Him, all that I
experience
-blessing and pain-
are for nothing.

Psalm 50:15

"...call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me."